Pinocchio Parenting
The Truth About the Lies We Tell

“Liar, liar… parents on fire!” That’s what 15 year old Dillon shouted to his parent’s right after they told him another whopper. Unfortunately, he’d heard most of them before:

“Your goldfish went to live with Nemo in the ocean.”
“If you make that face again, it will freeze that way.”
“You can be anything you want to be in this world.”
“Looks don’t matter; it’s what’s on the inside that counts.”
“It doesn’t matter whether you win or lose, its how you play the game.”

And the one we’ve all told our kids:

“When I was your age, I walked to school… in the snow… without shoes… uphill… both ways.”

Really?

The truth is…everybody lies. Toddlers, teenagers and adults. Deny it, and you’re lying. Small lies are called “fibs.” Big lies are called “whoppers” and necessary lies are called “white.” Hmmm.

We live in a culture where lying is commonplace…the same way that fish live in a culture that’s wet. According to the book The Day America Told the Truth, 91 percent of Americans surveyed admitted to lying routinely. On average, we lie about twice a day. That’s more often than most of us brush our teeth. When our parental backs are against the wall, lies, clichés and half-truths just slide off the tip of out tongue like a politician before Election Day.

Why We Lie

To lie has become as American as apple pie. We lie to protect ourselves; we lie to promote ourselves. We lie to elevate ourselves; we lie to excuse ourselves.

America has become a nation of “Pinocchio people” and those of us with kids have become “Pinocchio parents”. Soon after we learned how to walk, we learned how to lie (“Mommy, I didn’t do it.) Later in life, we told money lies (“The checks in the mail.”), math lies (“I just turned 39.”), medical lies (“The doctor will call you right back.”), work lies (“I can’t come in to work today, I’m sick.”) and necessary lies (“Fat? No honey, you look great in that outfit.”).

While every lie has its consequence, the most damaging lies of all are the ones we tell our kids. Why? Because they erode our parental credibility and distort our kid’s reality. As a psychologist, I’ve seen hundreds of kids in therapy and I’ve concluded that while unhealthy behaviors prompted the trip to my office, its unhealthy beliefs that lay behind those behaviors. Beliefs determine behaviors. Unhealthy behaviors are based on unhealthy beliefs-- change the beliefs and you change the behaviors. Unfortunately, we become what we believe.

Our purposes may be noble, but we lie to our kids for three main reasons. First, to help them make sense out of their circumstances (That’s OK honey; he wasn’t good for you anyway). Secondly, to bring assurance to their anxieties (Looks don’t matter, it’s what’s inside that counts) and finally, to inspire them to reach beyond their limits (If you can dream it, you can do it). The problem is—while each of these statements sounds good, they’re not true. At least not absolutely true. Each one contains a little bit of fact and a little bit of fiction, yet we tell them like they’re absolutely true. And our kids bite… hook, line and sinker.

Living By The Lie

Let’s take a look at a few of the more common lies we tell our kids:

Lie #1. You can be anything you want to be. Really? It’s a belief that’s fashionable, but is it factual? Seventy-five percent of parents think so, but that doesn’t make it true. Can you teach a bird to swim or a fish to fly? Can an acorn become a rose bush… or a leopard change its spots. Of course not. It’s a lie that’s based on a belief that desires produce dreams. They don’t. Desires may direct your choice, training may develop your mind and motivation may fuel your fire, but ultimately the difference between average and awesome is ability.

God created each of with unique gifts. Could Beethoven carve a statue like Michelangelo? Could Mozart draw like Picasso? Could Picasso become an accountant? The numbers just wouldn’t line up. Literally.

As a parent, my job is to help my children discover and develop the gifts that make them unique. Kids can’t be anything “they” want to be any more than I could play in the NBA as a short, fat, white guy with no jump shot! But they can do the most with what they have and do it in a way that’s never been done before. Should they dream big? Sure. Should they aim high? You bet. Should they pursue their passion? Of course. I’m just suggesting that we help our kids dream with their feet on the ground.

After basketball superstar Michael Jordan won his third straight NBA Championship with the Chicago Bulls, he dreamed he could do the same in baseball. He couldn’t. After two sub-par seasons in the minor leagues, the former basketball superstar realized he had a better jump shot than batting average. He returned to the Bulls and they won the next three NBA championships in a row. Know your gifts.

Lie #2. It doesn’t matter whether you win or lose, its how you play the game. Really? Then why is there a scoreboard? In school, in sports and in the workplace—someone’s always keeps score.

The Dallas Mavericks play basketball in the NBA. They just spent millions of dollars an 8-sided, 360-degree electronic scoreboard. Why? Because in the NBA, they keep score. Do the Mavericks have some of the nicest guys in the NBA on their team? Yes. Do the Mavericks work as hard on their ball handling, shot selection and free throws as any other team in the NBA? Yes. Does Coach Avery teach them to play within the rules of the NBA? Of course. But did they score fewer points than the Miami Heat in the NBA Championship Series last year? Yes. As a result, Miami was offered congratulations, Dallas was offered condolences. Score matters.

I’m not saying that character doesn’t count. It does. As a parent, if I could only pick one attribute to develop in my child, I’d choose character over competence any day. But I live in a world where both are important. Parents are missing the mark if they teach their kids that score doesn’t matter. Look around, it does.

In the classroom those with the highest grades succeed, those with the lowest stumble. On the soccer field, those with the most goals move on… those with the least goals move over. At the office, those with the highest sales are rewarded, those with the lowest sales are released. My point? Winning isn’t everything, but they keep score for a reason.

I’ll be the first to tell you that America has an obsession with winning. It’s wrong. I’ll also tell you that in America there’s a belief that winning equals worth. It doesn’t. But I’ll also tell you that as a parent, I suggest we teach our kids to keep one eye on their character, one eye on their competence… and one eye on the scoreboard. They all matter.

3. Lie #3. Looks don’t matter, it’s what’s on the inside that counts. Really? God may look in the inside, but all the research I’ve seen lately demonstrates that He’s definitely in the minority.

America is blinded by beauty. Numerous studies have concluded that what’s on the outside conquers what’s on the inside hands down. Relative to those not so physically blessed, attractive people are perceived as more competent, confident and sociable. At school, teachers demonstrate a “halo effect” towards the buffed, the bronzed and the beautiful. Teachers’ expectations are higher for good looking students and the academic performance of those kids matched teacher expectations. It’s a self-fulfilling prophesy. In the workplace, attractive candidates are more likely to be hired, more likely to be promoted and more likely to be rewarded. As a matter of fact, attractive employees receive 9% higher incomes than their less attractive co-workers.

My message to parents? Once again, what’s on the inside matters most to me, but telling our kids that appearance is irrelevant is simply not true. Appearance is important and first impressions are unforgettable. Overemphasize it and our kids become superficial. Underemphasize it and our kids pay the price academically, socially and vocationally. Work with your kids to make their appearance count-- not cost. Braces? Not an issue. Contact lenses? Not a problem. Breast implants for high school graduation… not a chance.

The truth is-- I’ve been a Pinocchio Parent just like you. These lies slid off the tip of my tongue without examining the truth or considering the consequences. Today, I’m committed to telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth… so help me God. Three down, only 18 more to go…

Chuck Borsellino, Ph.D., Psy.D., is the author of PINOCCHIO PARENTING: 21 Outrageous Lies We Tell Our Kids (Howard Hardcover/A Division of Simon & Schuster; ISBN: 1-58229-572-7; $17.99). Dr. Chuck Borsellino is host and executive producer of the nationally syndicated daily television program At Home Live with Chuck & Jenni, as well as a licensed clinical psychologist and ordained minister. Chuck and his wife, Jenni, are authors of How to Raise Totally Awesome Kids and reside in Dallas with their three children.