Finding the Right Style
Effective Communication for Parents

By: Dr. Michael H. Popkin

When you talk with your kids about not smoking, do your words seem to fall on deaf ears? Ever feel like you’re talking to a brick wall? You’re not alone. Lots of parents struggle to find the communication style that will connect, but all too often they fall back on ineffective methods like these:

The Lecture. Lecturing, scolding and voicing disapproval of smoking without engaging kids are sure-fire ways to turn them off to your point of view.

The Seminar. Taking an intellectual approach that peppers kids with facts about the health dangers of smoking can also miss the mark. This kind of information, although important, isn’t as powerful in shaping the attitudes and actions of your children.   

The Fly-By. Investing only a small amount of time talking to your children about smoking isn’t enough to convince them not to smoke.

If any of these sound even remotely familiar, think about changing your approach. Start by finding a good bridge to the subject of not smoking. If you’re watching a movie together that features a smoker, ask your child what she thinks of the character as you walk out of the theater or drive home. Once you’ve established a link to the topic, follow this three-step approach:

• Ask Good Questions. What are good questions? Those that tap into your children’s thoughts and feelings and let them know their opinions matter to you. Examples include:
• What do you think when you see teens smoking?
• What have they taught you in school about smoking?
• Why do you think some kids smoke even though it’s so dangerous?
• Be Persuasive. Give your kids some good, concrete reasons for staying away from cigarettes, and let them know how terrible you would feel if they became smokers. The following topics can help make your case, but use what you know about your children to decide which ones are most appropriate for their age and interests:
• Health Risks – Smoking affects general health and sports performance.
• Yuck Factors – Gives you bad breath, yellow teeth, and smelly clothes.
• Not Smoking is Cool – Focus on celebrities and athletes who don’t smoke.
• Talk About the Consequences. After discussing compelling reasons not to smoke, it’s important to let your kids know that it is not alright for them to use tobacco. Try to get an agreement that they will not smoke, and even put it in writing. Then, tell them what the consequences will be if they break that agreement. Some logical consequences for smoking may include:
• Loss of freedom - staying home more often or missing parties.
• Loss of car, phone, and/or computer privileges.
• Loss of privacy – less time alone, monitoring of room and backpack.

Throughout each step make sure you talk to your children from the place in your heart that loves them and cares about their health and happiness. And, as always, don’t forget to talk early and often!

You can find more of my tips at KeepKidsFromSmoking.com, the official site of Lorillard Tobacco Company’s Talk Early, Talk Often program.  Right now, the site also gives you an opportunity to get movie vouchers when you Pledge to Talk to your children about not smoking. The vouchers can be redeemed at the box office for free admission for one adult and one child, and provide ready-made opportunities for you and your child to talk on the way to and from the theater.

I also encourage you to sign up for my monthly e-newsletter which will give you convenient access to my online journal, an educational forum that will cover a variety of topics and enable parents to respond, share strategies and ask questions via an online message board.

Dr. Michael H. Popkin is one of the nation’s foremost experts on parenting education.  His work with the Talk Early, Talk Often initiative is part of his 25 years of experience helping families communicate about tough topics like smoking.  He is also founder of Active Parenting Publishers, and author of many award-winning parenting education videos and books, including the recently published “Doc Pop's 52 Weeks of Active Parenting.”  He has shared his expertise on The Oprah Winfrey Show, CNN, and more than 100 other television programs. He currently resides in Atlanta with his wife and two teenage children.

Lorillard Tobacco Company’s Youth Smoking Prevention Program is a voluntary effort designed to enlist parents in the fight against underage smoking. Greensboro, N.C.-based Lorillard also is committed to curbing youth access to cigarettes as a founding member and major partner of the “We Card” program.