10 Trustworthy Tips for Divorcing Parents

By Dr. Susan Bartell

[From the JULY/AUGUST 2007 issue of The ParentGuide^®]

THERE’S NO DOUBT ABOUT IT, divorce can be tough on kids. However, the negative impact of a divorce can be significantly reduced by the way parents behave during and after a separation and divorce. By following Dr. Susan’s 10 trustworthy tips for divorcing parents, your children will have a far better chance of coming through the divorce emotionally healthy and happy. In fact, all parents, whether divorced or married, can benefit from these techniques.

1. Communicate with yourchild enough, but not too much. Your child needs to know what is going on every stepof the way. Explanations should be age-appropriate and given in a quiet area with both parents present, if possible. Resist the urge to give information too far in advance. For example, if one parent is going to move out, do not tell your child until it is about to happen. The anticipatory anxiety can make the adjustment much worse when it actually happens. Also, don’t make surprise changes—like separating while your child is away at camp. This, too, can cause stress and mistrust in the future.

2. Avoid fighting in front of your child. At one point or another, all parents argue in front of theirkids. However, when a divorce is in progress, arguments can escalate quickly and sometimes become violent. This should not be witnessed by a child, whether on the phone or if you think your child is asleep. Children who observe parents who frequently fight with extreme rage, can become depressed, anxious, angry and develop social and academic difficulties. Your child’s emotional healthdepends upon your maintaining your self-control.

3. Don’t interfere with your child’s relationship with one another. No matter how angry you are (barring a truly abusive situation), your child needs to have a relationship with both parents. It is your job, as a good parent, to make sure you don’t poison your child’s relationship with your ex. This includes speaking negatively or being critical. It also means remembering and facilitating phone calls, visitsand birthdays even when you’d rather not!

4. Children should not be part of custody/visitation decisions. Children should not be asked whom they would rather live with or how often they’d like to visit. Only in the case of older teenagers should a child’s opinion be solicited. Otherwise, the decision should be based on what is best for the family—it is an adult decision, often made with the help of attorneys or a mediator. Your child will be burdened with guilt if forced to choose sides, regardless of the reason.

5. Children should be told clearly that the divorce is not their fault. It is common for kids to feel they are the cause of divorce. This is because they witness fights between parents over parenting issues or witness favoritism between siblings—consciously or not. Kids sense this friction centered on them and blame themselves. It is critical to tell your children often that the divorce is NOT their fault and reiterate that both parents love them very much. If you do blame your children (especially if this is your second marriage), please seek professional help to cope with these feelings.

6. Don’t use kids to communicate with or about your ex. Resist the urge to utter the words “Tell your father/mother…” Your child must be kept out of any battles between you and your ex. Your child should not be asked to deliver messages or pumped for information about your ex’s new partner or money. When kids are put in the middle, it is very stressful for them, and they often tell lies to protect one or the other parent. They also become resentful toward the parent that is “using” them as amessenger or information gatherer.

7. Work together to maintain consistency in both homes. Although it can be hard to do, it is in your child’s best interest to set up parenting environments that are similar in both homes. Having a stable bedtime, consistent consequences for negative behaviors and an otherwise predictable environment will ease the way through a divorce for many children.

8. Allow kids to express feelings of anger and sadness. It can be painful for a parent, sometimes evoking guilt, when a child voices rage or devastation. But it is good for your child to express these feelings—even if they’re directed at you. This is a normal part of the healing process. Suppressing them will not make them go away. If they seem especially violent or deeply depressed, yourchild may require professional help.

9. Don’t expose your child to your new partner too soon. Regardless of how you feel, your child requires time to get used to your divorce. In most cases, a children need a full year before they are ready to move on to the next stage. Even then, resist the urge to introduce your child to each person you date. Children get attached easily, so when you break up, it will be another loss, on top of the divorce. Reserve introductions for a relationship that you feel confident has good potential for being long-term. Remember, this is in the best interest of your child, even if it isn’t convenient.

10. If bad feelings about your divorce impact your parenting, reach for support. You may go through a period when you feel incapacitated by depression, rage or anxiety. You may find yourself drinking too much alcohol or taking too many sleeping pills. If you are yelling at your kids a lot, not taking care of them adequately, apathetic or unable to cope, it’s time to seek help. Speak with your doctor, religious leader, your child’s school counselor or even a good friend to figure out what your next step should be. Divorce can be crushing, but you don’t want your kids to suffer. Often, if you get the help you need, they won’t.

Dr. Susan Bartell is a nationally recognized psychologist and author specializing in the issues of children, teens, parents and families. Dr. Susan can be reached at www.girlsonlyweightloss.com.