Children Easily Suffer Mishaps
Due to Complex Family Dynamics

Let's take a look at each grade level of students to see if we can't install safeguards to minimize the possibility of any adverse incidents. All students need reinforced security these days, and although none of us want to dwell on the negative, the truth is, parents need to be alert and sensitive to their children's surroundings. And parents should not be afraid to implement sufficient safeguards as needed. Brief and suggestions are offered by grade level.

Elementary School | Middle School | High School

Kindergarten

Kindergarteners are the first to come to mind, since they are rooky students perhaps riding a bus for the first time. Let's provide them with a few extra tips on self-protection.

1. Be sure your child has memorized his address, phone number and certainly, type of home he lives in. Parent cell phones should be easily accessible by school officials in case of emergency.
2. Maintain an 800 number, easily attainable from Verizon for about $5 a month. That way even if your child has no money, he or she could always call home.
3. Have a code word for your child so that no one can pick him or her up from school unless they know the special code.
4. Rehearse the route to your child's school in the event he or she starts walking and gets lost. If rotating custody is at hand, be sure the proper bus schedule is accessible to the child and bus driver so that your child is not misdirected onto the wrong bus on the wrong day.
5. Clothing should fit properly to avoid tripping in the event hemlines are too long.
6. Teach him or her to tie their own shoes in case the shoelaces become untied leaving the opportunity for tripping. If tying shoes is too difficult, use Velcro closings.
7. Be sure to review the 'no talking to strangers' speech…although you may have to define the word stranger first.
8. Caution your child not to talk to any strangers on the school grounds or anyone near the playground fences. Then, be sure they tell the teacher if a stranger is sighted.
9. Teach your child to be alert and observant of his or her environment so that discriminating observations could be made.
10. Teach your child critical thinking skills sufficient to his or her age group, so that if someone attempts to misguide them into bad activities, he or she will be assertive enough to say 'NO.'

Elementary School

By this time, your child may be well acquainted with the rigors and expectations of school. If you're lucky, they even like school. But it is important to teach your child self-initiative. So, rather than do all the preparation tasks yourself, it is never too early to teach them to help in the process. Depending on their ability level of course, you may wish to have them help as follows:

1. Setting up the alarm clock to work appropriately, under your supervision of course.
2. Picking out clothing that is appropriate for the weather and climate.
3. Dressing self in the morning in accordance with age-appropriate clothing.
4. Fixing a basic breakfast, like a bowl of cereal.
5. Preparing his or her book covers as often requested in school.
6. Walk your child to the bus stop, at least while they still want you to. This makes them feel secure and gives a nice send off to the day.
7. Preparing the next days clothing and school supplies before bed.
8. Bedtime should be consistent and early enough for the age group. Typical elementary school children need at least 8-10 hours of sleep to keep alert.
9. Breakfasts should be solid foods that are well balanced in nutrition.
10. Caution your child about not getting close to any strange cars that may approach him or her. Rehearse an escape plan if anyone ever does approach them on the street.

Granted it is sad that parents today must event think along these terms but the statistics speak for themselves. Children are kidnapped most frequently within 20-feet of their own home. So keep your child safe and don't be afraid to discuss escape plans as it may not only save your child's life but also make this an overall happy and productive school year.

Middle School

Middle school is a time when children desire more social mobility, including going places alone with friends; just what every parent fears. Do not underestimate how precocious today's middle school kids have become. More than ever, it is a time of competitive confrontations, first love explorations with increased community access such as dances, events or fairs. This is a time when greater exploration takes place and your child will try to gain more privileges in the community.

Every parent must weigh up the event versus the child's maturity and then make a decision as to whether to allow it or not. Middle school is also a time when a pre-teen tests the limits as to how much freedom he or she can handle. For instance, mom or dad may get bullied or manipulated into granting permission to go to a concert, a movie, or a friends' party. So, more than ever before, each parent will have to remain fortified, yes, even after coming home from a full day's work. But perhaps the following pointers will hasten the confrontational process.

1. Always, always, always maintain open-communication going with your child.
2. Check his or her friends and interests daily, including the possibility of drug use.
3. Observe the style of dress and see if it isn't too provocative, sloppy or outright offensive. If changes occur rapidly, no doubt some new influence is nearby.
4. Review homework assignments with them each evening, or at least 2-3 nights per week. Parental interest is the number one motivator to increase student grades.
5. Be available and accessible in the event that your child needs to talk. A typical school day can be riddled with painful or stressful events that your child needs to process. Be available, caring and non-judgmental if your child reveals an adverse incident.
6. Clarify the house rules, values, and expectations for family members. Do not try to be their friend above being the parent.
7. Call and contact their friend's parents for further familiarity. Don't be afraid to check out their value system and see if it is consistent with what you want for your pre-teen.
8. Drive them to special events, perhaps as part of a car pool. But this allows greater familiarity with their friends and social expectations.
9. Teach them responsibility in doing house chores and be consistent about enforcing the rules.
10. Clarify any curfews, privilege limitations and behavioral expectations.

High School

Anyone with a teenager in the home deserves special consideration. This is a time when parents will be tapped in more areas of life skills than ever before. Words such as patience, tolerance, and understanding will take on new meaning. Oh, did I forget to mention the word 'shock.' And who knows, once in a while you might even chuckle a bit with your growing charge. Yes, I said chuckle. I can say that because my children are grown-ups now. But for parents in the midst of the battlefield called raising adolescents, you have everyone's sympathy.

Parental authority will be challenged to the utmost degree during the four years of high school; after all, it is a time for exploring, experiencing new things, and finding individual identity. But all the while, remember, parents are still expected to be wise, patient, and accepting. Yes, even upon finding a teen with green hair, tongue piercing, or gross tattoos. So hang onto your seat, you are about to go on the most tumultuous ride of your life, at least for four years. But here are some tips that may help along the bumpy road. And, oh yes Good Luck!

1. Confirm house rules regularly. Make family expectations clear and consistently enforced.
2. Contact the school if you become concerned about your child's behavior.
3. Get a reality check from friends, teachers, or pediatrician if you are not sure on a select behavior or mood.
4. Check your teen's room regularly for contraband or other artifacts of concern.
5. Monitor each teen's social circle as their social circle now grows beyond the childhood neighborhood friend.
6. Screen the manner of dress before they leave the home. While styles in general are more provocative than ever, it doesn't mean you have to agree.
7. Spend quality time with your teen, which usually means you have to drag him or her away from friends to do so. A movie, a picnic or simply running errands together are all good starts for private time. If you can manage longer time periods, bravo!
8. Bedtime conversations are the best. Most adolescent concerns are revealed at night when they are either too tired to resist, or so concerned about an issue that it just burst out of him or her during a tired moment.
9. Concerned parent's who truly believe their teen may be in danger or participating in hi-risk activities may feel compelled to perform a room search. While no one is suggesting an unwarranted invasion of privacy, if you suspect your teen is in danger or self-harm or other source of harm, then by all means do whatever it takes to protect him or her.
10. Last but not least. Cook favorite foods of your teen as a subtle message of how much you care. Yes, even when he or she is grounded. This favored treatment rarely goes on unnoticed and is an easy way to keep the bond, show unconditional love and model non-ending acceptance in spite of foolish deeds.

Remember no matter how outrageous your child may act, keep the lines of communication open. Reprimand the undesirable behavior, but not the child or teen's entire being. All kids of all ages need love, understanding and yes, respect as a person. Never take a mess up as an opportunity to throw up in their face with everything they ever did in the past. Remember, the goal is to strengthen their self-image, not destroy it.

So by this time you are probably wondering if you will ever make it as a parent. Well, guess what? You will. You may find comfort in knowing that no matter how far they stray, they usually come back around…yes, about age 24. Yipes!

Dr. Felicia the ParentCoach
F. Felicia Ferrara, Ph.D.
Psychology Services
The Consultation and Evaluation Center
813-259-0303