Crushes and Puppy Love!
Help Kids Grow Positive Self-Images

Well, Valentine's Day is over and we may be surprised to learn our child experienced his/her first love or crush. It is a factor of human nature that we all want to be appreciated. Surely we all can remember our first love or puppy love. Now, we must watch our children go through the same process. But little did we know, that in reality, the whole process of learning about expressing affection, exchanging emotional feelings with others, and giving tokens of our affections, would have anything to do with growing positive self-images; but it does. More.

Positive Self-Image

For all following reasons, expression of love, sharing feelings, giving gifts and discussing our feelings are all healthy learning experiences that serve to strengthen our own self-image. Of course, we want our child's feelings well received or else we might also be upset to watch him cry. But in reality, whether or not those feelings are well received represents only a small part of the growing process.

Regardless of your child's age, expressions of feelings for others should be a positive developmental stage of growing up. Granted, none of us ever want out toddlers to grow-up, or to have our elementary school child to feel drawn to anyone other than to mom or dad. Nor, do we want our teen to leave all common sense behind as he is bite by cupid's love bow. But it happens, and yes as parents we all must sit idly by our child's side. Silently we must sit by only to watch our child come home in tears due to rejection, or conversely, watch him return home with a broad smile because the boy or girl in the third seat acknowledges and returns a few words of affection. Yes, crushes and first loves are a time to put our own feelings aside and observe with guidance as our child experiences a first love.

All Ages Feel Rejection

If a toddler is rejected, brief stages of pouting or sulking if not outright biting and kicking, may be observed. Since vocabulary is limited at this age, the most we can do is watch reactions and interpret frowns or disappointment, all the while knowing that a small ice cream cone can easily distract attention from a former rejection.

As children reach elementary school age, vocabulary is sufficient to allow expressions of disappointment, and it may take a larger bit of distraction to deter any tears or frowns from out child's face. If rejection was severe, then Mr. Puppy love may kick his toys about or strike out in frustration, but again, with sufficient enticement, hurt feelings can be rather quickly replaced with an activity or another pastime. But this ease of appeasement may not be so easy at the teenage level, a point in life when dramatic or volatile emotions erupt often.

Rejection Tougher on Teens

During the teen years, everything is perceived as the end of the world, particularly when a puppy-love or first-love rejects his or her affections. If our teenagers are disappointed in love, an entire household can become unhinged. Tantrums from a 16-year-old can be most unpleasant to say the least, if not outright dangerous. As anger is released at this age, items may go flying through the air, objects in his room may suddenly show up broken, and repeated threats to run away, or worse yet, to do self-harm may be prevalent. No doubt, this behavior is difficult to live with but by all means if threats of self-harm are made, take the threats seriously. It is also necessary to be firm about what is and what is not acceptable yet patient enough to explore reasons for this behavior.

If you son or daughter was just jilted by the love of their live, try to cut some slack in the discipline department for his or her outrageous behavior. A more constructive approach to this behavior is to sit down and discuss the issues with your son or daughter. Be patient as tears flow, and what ever you do, do not minimize expressed emotional hurts or disappointments.

Don't Ignore Personal Feelings

The worst thing you could say is, "Oh, so what if Johnny doesn't like you, your too young anyway,' or 'Good I am glad it didn't work out because you are not dating until you are 25." Statements like this simply ignore personal feelings of your children. It takes a lot for children to share this information with a parent, so you should be honored that they would even want to talk with you.

It is therefore, essential that you acknowledge their feelings and that you empathize with them. Be supportive, patient, and understanding, do not tell them to stop overeating as it is necessary to vent emotions when personal disappointments are extreme-within reason of course. When emotional tirades calm down discuss the pluses and minuses of the potential relationship anyway. Chances are if you help him/her compare realistic versus idealistic qualities of the desired love, your teen will develop a more realistic view of negative features of this particular union. In this manner, you are not only bonding with your teen, you are also helping him or her to think rationally about the disappointment.

In the long run, you will provide him/her with valuable skills for overcoming future heartbreaks, an experience that is quite normal for this age group. But better yet, you are facilitating the development of skills that will serve him/her well into adulthood.

Dr. Felicia the ParentCoach
F. Felicia Ferrara, Ph.D.
Psychology Services
The Consultation and Evaluation Center
813-259-0303