Sharing Custody of Your Child During the Holidays
Survival Tips for Single Parents

Parents across the country married or single alike share heightened stress throughout the holidays. Whether it is due to how many relatives to visit or how many toys to purchase or eliminate from a child's wish list. But for the single parent who must transport a child across state lines via an airplane trip to visit a far off alternate parent, stress levels are heightened significantly. Christmas in particular, raises additional concerns because Christmas is traditionally a nostalgic event that triggers memories of family days gone by.

But divorced parents, separated or perhaps never married parents who share custody of a minor child are about to embark on that highly emotionally charged process of holiday splitting visitation time with alternate parents. You are lucky if the alternate parent resides within driving distance, if not, then you must bear the uncertainty of safe arrival via public airlines in addition to bearing the lost presence of a loved child during a family holiday.

During Christmas time, one parent must pack up cherished cargo and ship him or her away to visit the other loving parent, either within the home state or via public airlines. Regardless of how many assurances an airline provides regarding the safe keeping of your child, any child or parent would be foolish to believe that the process is foolproof, nonetheless must abide by legal dictates and fulfill visitation schedules. If this sounds like your household, then perhaps the following information will lessen the trauma involved for child and parent alike.

Lessening the Trauma
First, while a child may cry at the prospect of leaving the primary parent's residence, rest assured they will also cry when they leave the non-residential parent to return home. Any traveler walking through airport terminals can easily identify children who stand alone, tearful or highly stressed as they process a multitude of conflicting emotions.

Your child may feel guilty about leaving one parent home or equally guilty about actually wanting to see the other parent but remain fearful that if they show anticipation or excitement about the visit, they will betray the parent who remains home. Or, they may be extremely fearful but remain silent about their fears due to a desire to protect the more fragile parent who has been emotionally distraught throughout the separation and transitional period following divorce. And finally, what many parents do not realize is that some children actually enjoy the excitement of traveling and gaining independence from the prospect of flexing a mature attitude that is reserved for public viewing only.

Second, and perhaps most important to remember, your child is entitled to the love of both parents as well as attaining self-identity from processing personality attributes inherited from both parents. To deny him or her of that privilege of having a loving relationship with either parent is considered abusive in many legal arenas. Remember, in the child's eyes, a love for that non-residential parent never dies, in fact when that parent moves out of the house, a child may desire their company even more intensely than when available on a daily basis.

Third, if you believe that your stress level is high, you should imagine that of your child as all of these mixed and ambiguous emotions swirl about in their struggling little mind. Given all of the considerations noted above, if you truly want to relieve all fears and grant your child's wish to have a happy and peaceful Christmas then the following tips may prove beneficial.

Parenting Tips
The best way to assure your child's happiness and survival of shared parenting is to foster a sense of security in them, security in the love you hold for them regardless of how many other relatives they may love. Appearing brave and happy at the time of departure, granted this is difficult, can do this. But as the saying goes, if you pretend something long enough it becomes reality.

What Not To Do:

Creating a Sense of Security
If you are really worried but want to enhance your child's sense of security, you can take initiative to fulfill the following:

Stress Relief for the Parent
Now, what about you? Yes, even an adult is entitled to enjoy the holidays. While your son or daughter is traveling, indulge yourself in some unusual adventure such as massage, a forgotten dinner you promised to share with a good friend or perhaps even a short vacation for adults. There is no excuse for sitting home alone and sulking. If that is happens, then shame on you. Single clubs exist for almost any type of interest or hobby imaginable, so do a little homework and plan some new activity.
Even if you use that time to do some volunteer work in the community, you will feel better in the end. After all, isn't that what Christmas is all about, the act of giving?

So, if your child is shipping out for the holiday, give him or her the gift of security in your love as well as peace of mind in knowing that it is okay to love both parents. And finally, give yourself the gift of receiving some reward or pastime you had previously put off. Then when the holidays end, parent and child alike will return knowing that all is well.

God Bless and Happy Holidays.
© Copyright 11/2002 Dr. Ferrara
Dr. Felicia the ParentCoach
F. F. Felicia Ferrara, Ph.D.
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