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Dr. Felicia the ParentCoach
Dr. F. Felicia Ferrara, Ph. D.

ParentGuide.com is pleased to feature Dr. Felicia the ParentCoach as an educational resource for parents in Tampa Bay. We believe you will find Dr. Felicia a huge source of inspiration; a common sense advisor and a down-to-earth psychologist who will help you better face the challenges of parenting.

Ask Dr. Felicia
Dr. Felicia will answer your questions on child development that are non-medical related. Please send your question to her using the online form and stay tuned to the Dr. Felicia page on ParentGuide.com for answers to all your questions!

Topic: Health 05/09/08
Q. I am asking this for my sister in law who I have told her I would be concerned about her son doing this. My nephew is in the second grade. He gets angry very easy. Hes a very smart child who has problems relating and playing with other children no matter there age. She had been smelling something in her sons room for a time and then realized one morning around his bed she stepped on a wet spot on his carpet. she asked Andy what had he spilt. O f course he said nothing. Then that mornig she got to smelling that ordor and had pulled his carpet back and it had spots all around his bed. She confronted him about what it was until she finally got up one morning before he got out of bed and saw him pee on the floor then went and finished. Still lying to her then finally surrendering and said he didnt know why he done this. She said all around the bed is ruined they pulled his carpet up and still caught him doing this. She has know clue to why would a child do this?

A. Children often do things that adults cannot understand. Sometimes there is a reasonable explanation, like another adult showing him to do that. Or, it can be a sign of deeper problems. First line of action should be to contact his pediatrician. He should be checked for anatomical issues, if any. Once that is ruled out, which in this case does not seem to be the case, then proceed with a professional counselor. Obviously, he gets some satisfaction out of the process. Hopefully, he has  male role models who can demonstrate the proper way to urinate. Also, check with his school and see it happens there too. If not, then you have a better chance of getting him to control self at home. Also, be sure he does not drink alot of liquids before bed. Interventions should be consistent and firm but not yelling and berating him. You might also have him clean up the mess as well. Mother will have to stay after him and perhaps awaken him earlier in the am and walk him to the bathroom. It is a concerning behavior so please stay on it.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Health 04/28/08
Q. Years ago, I read an book which included an article on bedwetting by a child development expert. The article stated that either sugar or dairy before bed can increase the chance of bedwetting. I don't remember which item it was that specifically triggered bedwetting, only that "giving your child a bowl of ice cream before bed" was an invitation to disaster. Can you direct me to this specific information? Many thanks.

A. You ask what product, sugar or dairy,  increases bedwetting at night. The answer is that either one can. Much depends on your child's body response to either product. Please check with your pedicatrician to individualize your child's diet. In some cases, sugar can deepen sleep so that a child may not awaken to the need to go to the bathroom. And in some cases, dairy products will impact amount of illimination needed at night. In either case, you can always try avoiding any intake an hour or longer before bedtime.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Health 04/28/08
Q. Hello, I have a 10 year old stepson who lives with his mother, and visits on wknds with his father and I. I am very concerned for him, he still sleeps with his mother, always has, wets the bed, always has. Is on adderall for ADHD, is failing in school, his attendance and tardiness is through the roof. (22 days tardy in one nine week period) Has severe dental problems.(5 root canals, three teeth pulled, another permanent tooth to be pulled, at least 6 other cavities.) There are problems between the mother and father who were never married or living together, so visits are often compromised. Family court is often visited.Social services has been involved several times with the mother, and nothing is done. What can we do 2 days a week to help this child?

A. Your note is not unusual between separated parents. It sounds like your 10-year-old stepson lives in a permissive or neglectul home. Unfortunately, social services only takes steps in severe cases of injury or harm. As for many teeth problems, apparently he is free to eat candies and perhaps never brushes his teeth. As for school attendance or excessive absenses, father has a right to contact the school and express his concern. This boy may barely complete the school year and perhaps will be detained or worse yet, socially promoted. Dad has a voice in this, he can contact CPI and make his concerns known. Perhaps he already has but he must persist.

Topic: Health 04/28/08
Q. My ex-wife just called me in reference to my recently turned 12 year old son. He has a tendency to not wipe well, or for that matter on occassion leave actual solids in his underwear thus ruining the underwear. I don't get it. I don't want him to be made fun of in school, but it appears that he is being lazy or just won't speak up when he has to go to the bathroom. This doesn't happen all the time but much too frequent for a 12 year old. I would understand a smear or skidmark on occasion but it gets ridiculous. My ex wife is going to make him go without underwear for awhile as a punishment in hopes that he will learn that way. I myself don't know what to do. Going without underwear to me sounds a little harsh. What do you think? Please help me on this one.

A. I hear the frustration in your note as I am sure your ex-wife is perplexed as well. She should seek help with from professionals, either peditrician or school psychologist at local school. Any parent as a right to make a referral at local school district, best if made in writing and dated. When a 12-year-old is content with messing in his pants, a larger problem is at hand. Please seek the proper help before you do more damage than good.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Health 04/04/08
Q. My 3½-year-old son poops in his pants every 1-2 weeks at school.  He **is** potty trained and he does not do this at home. The school (a Montessori) is threatening to expel him for this behavior. I don't want to see that happen. He would miss his friends and teachers. Can you help, please?

A. You note that your 3.5 year old son poops in his pants 1-2 weeks at his Montessori school and they threaten to 'expel' him for that. Usually kids who are advanced and very focused on the activity at hand, do not want to break the event by going to the bathroom. I am sure you tried other things but perhaps the school will also work with you. Your son should have a mentor teacher that he can go to when he feels a need to 'poop'. Perhaps the school already tried this. He may also need a friend mentor who can appoint as his 'buddy.'  Sometimes, the children stand away from the crowd or feel alienated or detached, otherwise, they want to be like peers and be fully potty trained. You might also try buddying him up with another child in his room after school for play time. This would encourage him to be similar to peers. At least it is worth a try. You can only reinforce him to go, as should the school. I assume they make him go home when he poops and this should be anohter deterrant but the school should work with you on this problem, not punish the boy by expelling him, unless of course it occurs more often.
Please call for a meeting with school staff, teacher and administrator as well.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Health 03/18/08
Q. I have a nine year old nephew who I take care of with my fiance. He openly admits to being "lazy" when it comes to going number 2. Sometimes he'll go and not wipe, sometimes he'll just stand there with it in his pants. We've done absolutely everything possible that we know of to change this HORRIBLE problem but he just doesn't seem to care. PLEASE HELP!!!

A. At age nine, your nephew should be capable of going number two without help. When he messes in his pants, be sure that he washes his own mess. Do not overly scold him but make him know he is responsible. It may be his way of seeking attention. You do not mention why you have custody of his care, so of course he may be acting out from lack of time with his birth parents. Also try to spend sole personal time with him alone. If it persists, please seek personal attention.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Potty Training 03/16/08
Q. My daughter is 2 years old she is pottytrained except at night.  My problem is that when I put the panties on her she has a rash pop-up on the back of her checks of her bottom.  It is odd because I have change laundry detergent and still have no clue how to take care of the problem and nobody eles has a clue and cant give be advice.

A. You note that your two-yaer-old gets  rash on her bottom when you use certain panties on her. Perhaps she is allergic to the material in the garment. Many kids need cotton panties vs synthetic materials, so please check that out. Also, if she poops is she wiping enough. Then again, if you have perfumed toilet paper may be the problem. So try changing the material first, see if a change occurs. If not, then try the other items as well.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: School 03/10/08
Q. Our son is a hard working speciea Ed student, Diagnosed with Nuerofibromotosis and has Juevnile Diabetes.His 5th grade teacher,asked Jaime,do you think your'e going to the 6th grade?he stated,I don't know.She stated well you're not.he came home teary eyed.I brought this to the attention of the Principal.We had a meeting with the principal.I told her that his teacher was very callas,and insencitive to make that statemant to Jaime.This is form of mental abuse,and a mental demotion to his self esteem.Please give your opinion.Thank you

A. It is unfortunate that a teacher would make a callous remark. If a concern arose about your son's ability to pass 5th grade, by all means, a meeting should be held in private. There is no justification in any teacher making snide remarks to students, although sometimes students know how to push buttons just right. Is is possible that the teacher meant the words differently? Have you had prior encounters with the teacher? Someimes words are taken out of context, so please assess that possibilty. Sometimes, the teacher may simply mean to encourage or wake up a student who does not achieve to ability. However, given your description of the incident, the words do sound harsh. Most studens crave compliments from a teacher, so yes, a negative phrase or few words could set  a child  back in motivation rather then fuel his interest in a topic. You were right to discuss it with the principal, but hopefully, by conversing ill feelings will be mended. If you son has to stay in that class, you may moninter his work efforts as well as the teacher's comments. Meanwhile, just keep in encouraging your son to stay focused on the goal, that is to pass 5th grade.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Parenting 03/10/08
Q. What adivce could you give me in balancing work from 745-430 the school starting the 10th of march from 5-10.  I will not be able to see my son none throughout the days. How will I balance it all.  I was easier of course when i didn't have a child and doing these things.

A. Yes, you have choosen a tough schedule. I assume your son is a bit older, thus at least leave him notes or small rememberances of yourself that he might find throughout the day. Perhaps you can leave them in his lunch bag, under his pillow etc. Remember, children do not see the big picture, they live in the here and now. So although you realize you are making a sacrifice for a better future, that concept is not easily understood by children. So, reassure him. Try to set time aside for him on Saturday and be sure to make him feel special. Of course, phone calls after school help too. In the meantime, try to leave a short time for yourself to run or exercise as well. You are the captain of the ship so, please stay in balance as much as possible. You can let your son work near you when you study, etc. A few words of warmth and love goes a long way with small children, or any one for that matter.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Behavior 02/28/08
Q. I have a 20 month old little girl. My question is, how can I break her of screaming and crying every morning when she wakes up? Every morning when she wakes up, instead of calling for me or playing with the stuffed animals that are in her crib, she screams her little head off. I try not to get upset about it, but that really is not the way I would prefer to get woken up in the morning. If she is napping in my bed or I bring her in there in the morning (because she basically falls right back to sleep when I pick her up) she's fine. She will call for me or she will just get out of the bed and come find me. Is there any way to break her of the screaming when she's in her own room?

A. Yes, there are certain methods and perahps you already tried some, but here it goes. First, do not raise your voice back to her. Perhaps she is afraid of being alone, thus cries out. Speak softly, almost a whisper which forces her to lower her voice to hear you. Do not pick her up until her voice lowers as you model a soft voice for her. Only when she quiets, should you pick her up. It sounds like to date, she has gotte the attention she desires by screaming, so, so far it reinforces the behavior. You might try standing in the doorway of her room to use soft words then when she quiets go to pick her up and praise the soft voice.

Topic: Behavior 01/28/08
Q. My daughter has overheard some foul language and won't stop repeating f bombs, s bombs, and shut up.  We've tried ignoring it to extinguish the behavior but to no avail.  We've tried sending her to her room, but nothing has worked to eliminate the behavior.  What can we do?

A. As you may know, this is a common problem amongst our growing children. You did not mention the age of your dauther, so I assume she is either late elementary school age, or middle school age. This is defnitely a problem if you let it persists. Set a reasonable punishment and then stick to it consistently. Perhaps you might take away allowances or priviliedge when she says the words. Or you can make her write a statement vowing not to say the words many times, just like a school teacher might do. Please stay consistent and do not allow it as acceptable. Use reasonable explanations and punishments. Good Luck, let me know if you have further questions.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Behavior 01/23/08
Q. I have a friend who have a juvenile son who has stolen their money and credit cards to support a drug habit.  His child will go to a juvenile jail and spend one or two years there.  What can my friend do to help his son?  I do not want to see his son go to jail.  What other thing can his father do to help him?

A. You note that your friend's juvenile son may go away for a year or so for stolen credit cards to support a drug habit. One thing you may be able to do is to plead for drug court rather than regular sentencing. Then if he is sentenced he may go for rehabilitation to serve time. This differs in each district, so depending on which jurisdiction the crime was comitted. Sentencing time increases with multiple offenses. First offenses often get a mild Walker Plan (community service) or probation, then if either plan fails, the sentences increase. Thus, prior offenses add time to new offenses. Also, victim crimes increase sentence time. Often the Judge puts much weight on victim statements, if one is involved. A one or two year sentence is extreme for  a youth, thus it leads me to believe it may not be the first offense.

Topic: Behavior 01/21/08
Q. I have a 13 year old daughter. Ii told her to clean her room she said no then the f-word to me. What should I do?

A. While it is not unusual for children to start or try to use the F word with their parents, you must put an end to it immediately and let her know that is not acceptable language in your home or toward her parents. You must punish her with some appropriate thing such as remove  TV program or early to bed. Although she is 13, if you have been structured to date, she should be angy but bide by your rules. If she were unruly for some time and used to a lax discipline tactic it may be too late. But do not give up.

While I do not make personal consults on cell phones, please note this reply and consider an appropriate punishment. Please be consistent. Of course, one would hope that you also use a proper tone with her rather than yelling and smacking back, as two angry persons only begets more anger. I know you need a lot of patience now, but it is the time to set the pace for how she will interact with you for the rest of her teens. Please be fair, consistent and speak softly.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Behavior 01/04/08
Q. have been a stepmom of 2 boys, 10 and 12 years old since they were 1 and 3 years of age. My boyfriend and I live 3 1/2 hrs. away and have visitation every weekend. Mom rotates the driving with us and on occasion has spent the night (we're friends). Question: Should mom be changing her clothes to full undress (breasts and genitalia) in front of her maturing sons?!! 10 year old son still sleeps with mom?!! Is it just me or does this seem wrong?

A. You write about your step children, ages 10 and 12. Apparently you note that step mom visits at times and will undress full naked in front of both boys, and on occasion teh 10 year-old still sleeps with the mom. You are right to be concerned as in the US, such behavior is considered inappropriate if not outright illegal. Some times adults are so concerned with their own neesd, normal or otherwise, that they forget to observe societal customs. By all means the problem should be addressed and the boy's father needs to take the initiative. Of least threatening, co-sleeping with your children fosters dependency rather than teaching the children independence and individualization. Needless to say, implications for sexual abuse are also brooding and it is just a matter of time before the boys mention it to someone or a concerned adult makes the awkward step of reporting the matter. If that happens when in other person's home, what happens when no one else is around in her own home. Many women have such a strong need to be desired by males that they will do anything for attention and substitute a child's love for a male partner love, albeit, wrong. You might suggest to your husband to contact a parent coordinator who can intervene and help set up proper boundaries. If you suspect greater problems, please take an active stand. While I do not advocate a stepmother to confront the birth mother, the father should certainly do so. Seek out local consult wtih a professional as the actions you described in your email are definitely not appropriate.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Health 01/04/08
Q. We have a picky 5 yr. old boy who has a limited number of foods that he regularly eats which are mostly healthy - oatmeal, fruit, granola bars, raw veggies (not cooked), most meats, fish sticks.  However, he has such a phobia about trying new foods or even tasting family meals like soups, chili, pasta, rice, potatoes (he will fries, though!).  I am wondering how to overcome this and encourage and support him in expanding his food choices.  Part of the problem may be a texture issue - he doesn't like mushy foods, prefers crispy foods.  Our family meals become such a battle in trying to convince him to even take 1 bite of something new, it upsets the whole meal.  Some nights I give him his own favorite foods, while the other 3 of us eat the family meal I've prepared because I know he's going to kick up a fuss about tasting it. I probably should have been consistant about having him at least taste the family meal before giving him anything else, but it is such a battle, some nights I just don't want the disturbance.  We would be grateful for any advice you have to help us!

A. It appears that your 5-year-old son is quite picky when he eats-such that you prepare seperate measl some times.  You note that he prefers crispy food rather than smooth or pureed foods. That is a good start. Why can't you prepare the family meal and yet, give him the same food prepared in a crispy manner. It is not unusual for kids to limit food choices at his age. Most likely, he will outgrow this stage of growth. It is more important that dinner time is held in a pleasant atmostphere. It does no good for any family member to have to eat under stressful conditions. So, do not let this become a power fight of the wills. Just try to ignore if for a while, prepare the foods he he will eat in that manner. Or make a game of it and put a small sample of food on the plate along with the food he likes. Often they outgrow this fussy eating period when they interact with other kids and see how they eat different foods. As long as the food chices are healthy, let him be. Have patience, and enjoy your family dinners.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Behavior 01/04/08
Q. My 11 month grandson hits people in the face. What is the reason for his actions? We respond with holding his hand down and telling him "no hitting". We then give him a kiss and tell we love him. Is this the proper response to his action?

A. Apparently, your 11-month-old grandson is hitting other in the face when they meet. While most kids will move hands out to touch others impulsively, it does not always mean that they want to hurt the other person, at least not at his age. Some kids are touchy feely, so by touchnig the other person in the face, he makes contact. However, he seems to do it out of anger, that is another matter. So, see if you can distinguish if he is angry at the time, or simply over excited to meet someone new. Meanwhile, it sounds like you are consistent in reprimanding him. Also, take his hand and show him a 'nice' touch. Try to observe a pattern if it is one person or many persons and with anger or excited play, it makes am difference. Good luck.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Behavior 01/04/08
Q. We keep our grandson a lot.  Usually in the early evening he becomes fussy.  We make sure he is fed, dry and has something to drink.  My daughter also notice this at her house.

A. You note that your grandson gets fussy in early evening a lot but you failed to say how old he is. I assume he is quite young, thus may need a nap at that time or be overtired from a day of activity. Some kids need at least one nap at day until 6 or 7. He may also be bored and tired of hanging around, thus he may need a challenge of some activity that is fun and productive. So, try the nap or other activity or try both. A lot of folks have a low energy time so that must be his. It sounds like it is close to his bed time anyway...
Good luck, Dr. Felicia