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Dr. Felicia the ParentCoach
Dr. F. Felicia Ferrara, Ph. D.

ParentGuide.com is pleased to feature Dr. Felicia the ParentCoach as an educational resource for parents in Tampa Bay. We believe you will find Dr. Felicia a huge source of inspiration; a common sense advisor and a down-to-earth psychologist who will help you better face the challenges of parenting.

Ask Dr. Felicia
Dr. Felicia will answer your questions on child development that are non-medical related. Please send your question to her using the online form and stay tuned to the Dr. Felicia page on ParentGuide.com for answers to all your questions!

Topic: Behavior 12/19/07
Q. When are children old enough to stay home alone for short periods of time?

A. Children are considered old enough in general at about age 12-13, mainly it depends on how mature they are. But certainly not under age 12. Mature girls of 12 often run a babysitting sidejob. Then again that depends on what conditions they are left alone at and for how long. For example one could not expect a 12 year old immature girl to watch a newborn or infant properly. Also, it depends on how many children are involved and safety features for kids. So alot depends on good judgement. If you children are coming of age, start with small trips. Perhaps you might leave a half hour, then hour and see how they handle things. Also, it helps to leave an emergency list on the refridgerator and go over safety tips with them, such as not opening doors for strangers, what to do in case of fire, fall, or injury. So, as a parent, you must guide them into it. Do not give your child more responsiblity than they are ready for or else a setaback can occur when something goes wrong. The key is to make it a success experience for all involved and to build confidence in your children. Gradule increases of time may work. Be sure help is nearby if they need it in an emergency. Of course, use your good judgement as well as you will always be the person responsible for whatever happens.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Behavior 12/19/07
Q. My son is 28m and has been going to the same daycare for 13 months. he was promoted into the 2y & 3y class 2 months ago. Until a month ago he would cry when being dropped off after a long weekend however recently as we are about 2 blocks away he starts saying no school and go to another school or I want to go with Daddy or to Grannies or with Mommy shopping playing ect.. We have tried to ask him why and why another school and he just gets upset. My husband took him today all the way back where is class was playing outside to speak with the workers however there is a slight language barrier and all the ladies would say is no problem him friends and play fine. However my son was just a crying and then one of the workers picked him up and handed him to the 1y teacher and told my husband he preffers to play with the babbies and be over there. My husband told me our son was still crying the same and would not say anything. Should we just change Daycare or could there be a problem. son is only child to older parents and plays fine with kids that live next to us on the weekends. 

A. If your 28 month old son is crying daily with the daycare setting, yet the daycare workers say there is no problem and do not give you a reasonable answer, perhaps you should look elsewhere. Day school should not be terrifying or fear inducing for a child. After initial adjustment period if he remains upset and no teacher attempts to resolve that, then perhaps they are not watching properly. Since he plays without a problem when with neighbor children, some other problem exists Perhaps the older children are too intimidating to your son or perhaps one hit him but the teachers did not see. IF you can observation time at the school, (some have open door policy) then perhaps you can see for your self. Please follow your intuition on this, no point in making your son miserable.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Behavior 11/26/07
Q. I am the acting guardian of my friend's 9 year old son while she is out of the country. Today, his Phys Ed teacher asked him out to lunch and wanted my permission to do so. I did meet this teacher - very young man in his 20's. This means leaving the school grounds with this boy. At first, I said yes. I was so taken with the child's excitement but then later I had 2nd thoughts. I have a bad feeling in my gut about this one so I am writing a letter to the school principal re this matter. This is a private Christian School that has very strict rules. What do you feel?

A. You are right to be concerned when a teacher singles out one child and wants to take him off grounds. Typical professional standards do no endorse such actions and you should follow your instincts on this one. It was good judgement to inform the principal. This teacher may approach other children as well. The fact that it is a good Christian school does not negate the improperness of a professional being alone off grounds. Even if the intention was pure, both parties are at risk for severe problems by such arrangements.

Please stick to your good judgement. Please keep a close eye on the matter. It may not be the end of it. Be sure to inform mom upon return from Europe as this child is vulnerable to future approaches as well.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Behavior 11/26/07
Q. My 4 year old daughter just recently started taking little things that dont belong to her.things from grammas house; to horrifying; hiding my prescreption painkillers in her shoe drawer. why? please help.

A. It is always of concern that children begin to steal or act out. Please know while it is not unusual, stealing is typically a sign of children's need for more intention. While you may feel she is not deprived of attention, in her perception, she is seeking something. Needless to say, the fact that she stole your pain killer, could lead to severe harm to her and legal problems for you if she had taken
the pills. Please be sure to lock them up somewhere she cannot get at as it can be lethal for her to ingest even one of your pills depending on the dosage and type of medication it is.

In regard to the stealing of objects, let her know that you are aware of it. Confront her but do not admonish her in a harsh way. Try spending more quality time with her on one to one attention. kids need a lot of time and adult interaction of a personal nature. Try reinforcing her needs with your time and you may see genuine changes.

In the meantime, clearly she snoops in your belongings so by all means, keep all medications in a safe locked area that your child cannot
approach.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Behavior 11/26/07
Q. I had custody of my grandson until a year ago. He was given back to his mother (my daughter) by the court. I love my daughter very much,but,I feel that custody given back to her was a huge mistake! She has always (and still does) put her intrests first. She has had three live in boyfriends in the past 12 months! My grandson does not remember life before living with me and is still very angry with his mom for taking him out of the only home he has ever known. He has told me he hates the new boyfriend and he thinks "..she likes him more than me". He does see a therapist,but, he doesn't tell her anything because his mom is always with him. I've told my daughter what he has told me and that I think she should tell the therapist for him. This fell on deaf ears. My grandson has anger issues,so bad infact, that he is very close to being removed from kindergarten. I'm watching all this with my hands tied. What can I do to help him? Please help me help him.

A. As a concerned grandmother, you note that your 4-year-old grandson has a difficult time being removed from your home to return to mom and her many boyfriends. It is a difficult position to be in for sure. However, perhaps the courts did not have all of the facts at the time, she was awarded custody of him again. If you knew information but did not inform the Court, perhaps they had no way of knowing. The child protective services are not the most consistent of efficient by all means. So, if you could have testified about things it would have helped.

Unfortunately, he is now in a situation where suttle neglect and abuse seems to occur. It is very frieghtening for children and teens too, when mother's bring in strange men. The men often do not regard the child and the child is shut out of her life while she entertains boyfriends. Apparently you daugher is very self centered and immature to say the least. Unfortunately, now that the Court ordered his return, all you can do is watch it unravel. Try to stay close and if necessary, please make an unanonimous report for removal if you feel he is in jeopardy. Emotional damage is already taking place and will shape is personality for life. Your daughter needs more parenting classes adn perhaps a behavioral therapist to assist. It sounds like she was bright enough to fool the investigators or perhaps a slack state attorney when her court case was heard. Unfortunately, as a grandparent you have limited resources, next to none. However, if you see more damage occurage, please make an anonimous report to child abuse hotlines.

Major concern arise for drinking and drugs that may transpire when your daughter entertains her male friends.   Your little grandson may already have witnessed much more than appropriate for his age.  Moniter the situation closely and move forward if you are genuinely concerned for him.  Meanwhile, you may seek you own counselor out to advise you further.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Health 11/26/07
Q. I am the mother of a nine year old boy, ever since he started school he has been pooping his pants not for the entire year but for the first few months or so. he does this about 3-4 days a week. his father and i know that he knows when to use the washroom because after he gets into trouble for it and is grounded from his things he stops and uses the toilet. he also will poop his pants at home as well, just the other week he was watching t.v and pooed himself it's not as if the washroom is far away. he does'nt seem to care that he smells and has poop in his underwear, kids call him smelly at school and i'm starting to worry. my husband and i seem to think that it's just laziness but others think he's seeking attention. he does have a 2.5 year old sister but he's been doing this before she was born. it's like when he gets to involved in things like playing outside or video games the washroom is the last thing he thinks of. he will even do it when he's out at a friends house, also he has done it during the summer months maybe 2-3 times. I just don't know what to do or say to him anymore. we took him to the doctor last year and he assummed it was a bowel problem where he was just backed up but as soon as i told his teacher what was going on and to please let him use the washroom when he needed to it all stopped. if there is anything you could suggest his father and i would greatly appreciate it, we just want this all to stop . he also doesn't wipe properly or sometimes not at all. PLEASE HELP!!

A. You note that your 9-year-old son may poop in his pants 3-4 times a week, regardless if at home, school or playing. You should defeintely restart a training program. Since he does not seem to care, even if kids call him 'smelly' at school, a more direct approach must be used. If he is playing, start checking him every hour or two to bring him and make him sit on the toilet. Since he cannot check himself, chekc if for him. I suspect the teacher is doing the same and that is why it stopped at school.  Your constant supervision and interrupting his play should annoy him enough to make him take responsibility for himself. Yes, it is a lazy habit that he is in. As for wiping himself better, you will have to reteach him until he learns. No parent wants to retrain a 9-year-odl but until you try extreme measure, it will not stop. Clearly, he seems to enjoy the negative attention from others or he would not keep it up. So, take action now and things should change shortly.
If not, please seek out a professoinal therapist in your local area.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Behavior 11/18/07
Q. There is a third grade boy in my class that poops in his pants almost every afternoon. This has been a problem since he has been in pre-school. The second grade teacher couldn't smell so she didn't know when it was a problem or how often. We have discussed responsibility as a class and what it means. I have used this as a basis to talk to him one on one. I asked him if he knew how bad it smelled. He said he didn't. So far none of the kids have teased him, and I would like to help him remedy the problem before they do. I have talked to the mom. There are no medical issues, and he also does this at home and at day care. What are your suggestions for solving the problem?

A. You refer to a student in 3rd grade who still poops in his pants. Mom claims no medical problem but sees the saem behavior at home, school and out socially. The boy is obviously indifferent to the discomfort of having a soiled pants. This is of concern in itself. Many questions come to mind. Is he aloof within the classroom and distant from others. Please involve the school nurse if possible. Although no medical issues arise to mom, a lot depends on what efforts she put forth at home. This is a social mal adaptive action and perhaps can be referred through school channels. All partries in his care should meet and come to agreement and written contract (like an IEP ) on how to manage is behavior. One care taker cannot do this alone, but behavioral interventions should be applied in all settings. You can also incorporate services from your school psychologist if a written referral isobtaied. It is a team effort and of course, the boy must cooperate and want to change his actions as well.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Behavior 11/18/07
Q. My 9 year old pees in his pants while playing video games and tells us he gets so excited playing the game he does not know that he is peeing. He loves playing his games would hate to take them away from him.

Topic: Behavior 11/12/07
Q. I am worried about my step son, He will soon be 12 and he still wets the bed every night. My husband and his ex-wife feel that to keep from embarrassing him they keep it as a secret.  My step son still does not know that I have figured out about his problem. I have done some research and almost all of it said that by this age he should have outgrown bed wetting.  I guess I am really concerned as this is not just once a week but it is every night. He wears a pullup and wets right through the pullup. Is there something that I could do to help my stepson? Or should I not be worried about this at all.

A. Correct to note that by age 12 bedwetting usually stops. There is no useful purpose in embarrassing the boy, so leave it as his secret for now. However, a urologist consult may be able to assure that no physical reason is at hand. Once you rule out physical problems, then perhaps if it persists, a professional counselor would be at hand. Most kids by age 12 reach near puberty and would not wan to hold onto the habit of bedwetting. He may also be a such a sound sleeper that he is unaware of body needs. Good luck with a doctor and counselor check up.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Potty Training 11/12/07
Q. l have got a 3yr son he started nursey in aug in the last month he started poopin his pants in nursey and we dont know why as he has no accidents at home day or nigth. l dont know what to do.im even thinkin of taking him out of nursey

A. Your 3-year-old recently started pooping in his pants at nursery school although he was already trained. Perhaps he witnessed another child poop in school and get more attention, so he may also want the same attention therefore poops. Also, he may enjoy playing with his new friends so intently that he does not want to stop playing long enough to go to the bathroom. You might try a record of his activities and what he is doing when he poops in his pants. You may begin to see patterns. Check the time of day and activity at the nursery school. I assure you this is a temporary set back and he will advance shortly.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Behavior 11/12/07
Q. I was 21 yrs old practically a child when I went to my fiances doctor.I didnt like him because he made some mean comments to me like you are the most ervous person he ever met, besides maybe a 90 yr old. He was mean and intimidating.I went to this doctor with my fiance because he had cancer. That was before the doctor attacked me.I went to see this doctor because my fiance had cancer, and his family wouldnt tell him what was wrong with him he was 19 yrs old. This doctor told me I would never find out what was wrong because im not a blood relative. My fiance went to see him 6mths after his operation. My fiance told the doctor that I had stomach problems. He told me to make a appointment. When I went the nurse asked me if the doctor could give me a internal. I said no, im a virgin. He can check other things but not that. I told the nurse I would go to a woman doctor and send the results to them. She said ok I wont set you up for it. I was very naive and I never saw a table with places to put your feet. I thought he was going to check my anus for maybe blockage. The doctor came in and started jabbing me with the metal object they use for internals. At that time I didnt know what it was. I started screaming stop I said no to this examine. I was crying and screaming stop stop stop he wouldnt stop and became more violent and started jabbing me harder. I tried to get off the table and the doctor said to the nurse or helper. Dont let her get off the table, now he put a rubber glove on and stated jabbing me with 2 or 3 of his fingers.               . When it was over I asked when the results would be ready."I was afraid of him he was mean and intimidating. Then the nurse and doctor left the room. I started crying hysterically while I was dresssing. No one came in to see what was wrong.I was still crying hysterically walking to the parking lot where my fiance was wating for me.I told my fiance what happened when he got home he called the doctor and asked why he gave me the examine. He admitted that he gave the examine. The doctor told him that you can't always tell when a person is a virgin. My fiance said when you found out why didn't you stop. He said I thought she needed it. "I told the nurse absolutely no to the examine. I tried calling for my results for apx. 6 mths. The doctor kept telling me the tests were late.After 6 mths my fiance and I went to talk to him. When I asked where are my tests results he said oh now I remember you had your period so I didn't send for the results.I didn't have my period and I got it apx 2 weeks later.When I got married many years later(8 yrs.) I couldn't have intercourse my marriage was destroyed.Everytime I tried it felt like knives were stabbing me. I got divorced never remarried, and probably never will because I cant have a relationship with a man. Now I am so lonely,and have suffered a life time because of what happened.Should I let him get away with this crime. I cant sue him, but someone told me I could go to the police in the town he practices, and report it. I have no money, someone said they will probably appoint a lawyer to protect me. Should I let him get away with it my life was destroyed?

A. It appears from your writing that your event described with the doctor was dated over 8 years ago at least, if not more. So check the statute of limitations for such complaints. It is of wonder why it took so  many years for you to focus on the matter. You should seek out professional counseling to advise you better on the next line of action. Many details are remiss. I wish you good luck.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Behavior 11/12/07
Q. My husband is obsessed with the kids getting all A's in school, is this considered a disorder. I sometimes call him anal-at times he is fussing if one dish is left in the sick, clothes left in the dryer over night and etc. I understand that he wants the best for the kids, but If the kids bring home a B he is flipping out---He believes that B's, C's, and D's are degrading. I myself require the kids to get A's,or B's depending on the class. My oldest son is in 9th grade at a Magnet School, currently he has 3 (A's) and 4 (B's)--I think this is remarkable. On the other hand my youngest son in 5th grade has 3 high B's a C and a D, in which we need to work on the C and D. My question is does my husband have a anal retentive or compulsive disorder in this matter, and what can I do?

A. We do not diagnose persons we do not see directly, so I would label or diagnose your husband for you. However, actions or minor details obsessed over are often associated with OCD traits. When a persons habit cause daily problems in relationships and more than one person has observed the same, yes the traits may form a formal diagnosis. As far as getting all A's that may be an ego problem as well as OCD issues. It is most frustrating to live with someone like that so, hats off. A doctor can address the issues with prescriptions, but most persons with OCD rather continue on the same pattern. Since you cannot force persons to take medications, you may be in for a long haul. the outcome will be greater anxiety for all family members. You may wish to consult a counselor to give you helpful aids in dealing with the problem.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Behavior 11/12/07
Q. I am a single father my son is now sixteen and today he asked me if I had to come in the room while he is getting a physical. I was caught so off gard I dident know what to say. He said he was imbrasied that I was seeing him unclothed. what should I do?

A. At age 16 any child should be allowed privacy and so he should be. Since he is a minor, the doctor can fill you in later. If your son has a personal medical question or concern, you should give him that priviledge of privacy. If it is of severe concern, the doctor will surely fill you in later.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Behavior 11/08/07
Q. My son cries when I take off my shoes or any other clothing, especially if I am not at home.  For instance, in a clothing store dressing room.  He is two and has a twin sister who doesn't exhibit this kind of behavior.  We stay on he go alot and I thought maybe it symbolizes to him that we are staying instead of going.  What do you think?

A. You describe that your son age, 2, cries whenever you may remove a piece of clothing in a store dressing room or elsewhere, but not at home. You also note that his twin sister does not exhibit similar behavior. He may believe it is time for bed or that you are leaving him for some reason. It is difficult to decipher what prompts such thoughts within toddlers, but kids in general often make leaping decisions that do not follow a logical thought pattern. I am sure he will outgrow the matter. So for now, just placate him and calm him when he is upbset and perhaps make a game of taking the show on or off again. He will outgrow this phase.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Behavior 11/08/07
Q. My girlfriend and her 6yr old daughter moved in with me about 3months ago and ever since she wont goto bed without throwing fits unless her mom sleeps with her. It has gotten worse over time. We're both at wits end and it is becoming a major strain on our relationship. We've tried everthing from leaving presents from the "sleep fairy" on the odd night that she does goto sleep with out a problem to having sit downs with her to find out the problem.She always has a different excuse and constently gets out of bed to go to the bathroom, or tell her mom that she loves her, Cpmplains about leg cramps ect... anything to prolong bedtime and get her mom to sleep with her. She went to bed fine at her old house and was going to bed alright when she first moved in but now I think she is just playing a game and she throws the worst fits ever!!! screaming at the top of her lungs for an hour or more! What can we do? we've got a bedtime routine: snack, bath, brush teeth, pee bed But it's always fits!! Help Please!!!!!

A. You note that your girlfriends' 6 eyar old daughter moved in about three months ago and since then, she will not sleep alone in her room-but rather wants her mom to sleep by her side. No dobut, moving to a new home is stressful and fearful to kids in general. Depending on how traumatic the family home break up was, she may be very insecure. If she observes you and mom cuddling a lot when in fact, she wants mom's attention, then she will compete for mom's time. She sounds very insecure at this point, however, you cannot indulge her forever either. Your girlfriend should request a school counselor advice or local professional. Remember, while you and you girlfriend spent time getting acquanted, to the 6-year old you are just a stranger who is taking her mom away from her. So, please try to participate in a warm and loving way, it takes a lot of time to win a child's trust sometimes. Once they are threatened by your prescence, you must work harder than if you began as friends. I suspect you may not have spent much time engaging the little girl as a friend before moving in with mom. Please try to backtrack and spend positive time with her at parks, games, etc. Extended family transistions are always difficult, but taking the time up front to know the child and develo a trusting relationsihp, is far better than dealing with anxiety of the aftermath. Many books are available for extended families at typical book stores as well under parenting section.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Behavior 11/01/07
Q. I have an 18-mo-old daughter from a previous marriage.  I left her father in Aug. of last year due to the fact that he had a violent temper which was frequently directed toward me or my son.  He has been advised in the past to seek anger management counseling(actually by a counselor)but refused. Since our separation, he moved to Texas, and has seen our daughter very little, maybe five times in the past year, and has not provided for her financially either.  He rarely calls to check on her, and when he does, our conversation always turns to argument, and he becomes verbally abusive cursing me and basically continuing the behavior that ended the marriage.  In May I had an emergency custody order taken out because he had made references to coming and taking her, and I would not see her again.  He denies this, says that I misunderstood him, and that he does not have time for her right now due to being busy at work.  We met with attorneys post the custody order, and he insisted on having overnight visitation with her monthly.  (I had refused him any overnight visitation, as well as a weeks vacation planned in June with his family)due to his threats until our court date.)  During our  meeting with our attorneys I reluctantly agreed to let him see her monthly for Sat/Sun for seven hours each day, but no overnights, and he had to come to the state that we reside in, and could not take her out of state.  I was not comfortable with agreement at all, but felt I had no choice.  My attorney was advising me that if it went to court that he would get overnight visitation, so I felt I had to compromise. I was very confused about my attorneys attitude due to his violent past, and his basic lack of interest in her over the past year, and felt the attorney just wanted to hurry things along.  I still refused overnight visitation and stated that we would reevaluate this situation in six months time, and I also retained custody of her.  Still I'm wondering how all of this will impact her, and wondering what my options are in six months.  I'm wondering if a different attorney would help, or if I'm fighting a losing battle.  I did not get a chance to "speak my mind" earlier, in that the emergency custody did not go to trial..so the judge did not hear any of the history realted to this case.  Basically though, I feel he is not capable of taking care of her because he does not know her, or know any of her cues for hunger, sleep...anything.  I also feel if he could abuse me and my son, what will keep from doing the same to her?  Too, she does not know him, and is very attached to her family that she sees on a daily basis. She gets very nervous and cries if we even hint of leaving her with someone unfamiliar. I think it will be very traumatic for her to be taken off by a virtual stranger, and do not feel his once monthly visists are sufficient to allow her to bond to/or get to know him...and vice versa.  He saw her for four hours the day of the trial, due our agreement, and had no idea what to do with her.  He took her to the park in 100 degree weather for two hours, brought nothing but a juice box for her to drink, let her fall and cut her head, then tried to hide it (did not tell me),I found the cut later...and brought her back to me with a soiled diaper.  All of this concerns me, and I have told him my feelings, but he blows me off.  He only wants this time with her because I don't want him to have it until a few things happen.  I would like to see him take anger management classes, and parenting classes, but he has refused. Do you have any suggestions as to how I should proceed with this.  I just want my daughter to be safe and I feel very frustrated right now.  My goal is to limit unsupervised time with him until he can be more present in her life, as well as improving his parenting skills so she will benefit.  Thank you.

A. Your question is by far a serious concern, but also very complicated to respond. You do not note why the emergency order never came to court. The court would then decide if abusive actions did occur. As far as method of parenting, he would certainly need anger management and parenting classes, equally you may be required to do the same pending outcome of his argument as well as yours.

Topic: Behavior 11/01/07
Q. My 11 year old son keeps missing the toilet when peeing. What can I do to stop it. I am turning to not letting him use the toilet to pee, he will be using the outside. I dont know what else to do. Please help.

A. Your 11-year-old son is way too old to miss the toilet. No doubt he is having some fun during the event. Next time it occurs, make him wash up the mess. If you encourage him to pee outside, he only become less controllable and not develop proper behavior. You can try punishment by withdrawing priviledges, but perhaps you already have. Be sure to check with a pediatrician in case he has some physical problem that does not allow him to urinate properly before you become harsh.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Potty Training 11/01/07
Q. My 3 year son has been going potty in the toilet for about 5 months
but we can not get him to have a bowel movement in the toilet only in his
underwear. We have read books asked his doctor we don't know what else to do. If
you have any suggestions they would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

A. What you describe is not so unusual for male children.Perhaps you have already tried to make it a more playful type of experience, such as toys or books near the toilet. Family member stand by him to encourage him or perhaps music by the toilet from a toy shower radio etc. Once animosity or tug of war attitudes arise between child and parent, all efforts are lost.So, let it go for a few days then pick up and try again. Meanwhile if he goes in his pants make him clean with you as you wash out his underwear in the sink. Many kids get so caught up on playing they forget to stop and use the toilet, So , please try to make it a more pleasant experience rather than a harsh one. He will mature, many patience are needed at this ttime. so please be patient and consistent and encouraging for him.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Potty Training 10/30/07
Q. My 3 year son has been going potty in the toilet for about 5 months but we can not get him to have a bowel movement in the toilet only in his underwear. We have read books asked his doctor we don't know what else to do. If you have any suggestions they would be greatly appreciated.

A. You note that your 3-year-old son is potty trained for about three months but will not do a bowel movement in the toilet, only his underwear. First, know that boys are notebly later in development for bowel movements, so your son is not that atypical. Of course, confer with your pediactrician if you have a concern for his physical ability to eliminate a bowel movement. In the meantime, you may check a few other behavioral issues. First, small children often fear the flush noice and action of a toilet. So, if someone flushed the toilet while he was till on it, it could scare him. Also, check to see if his stoole is soft or too hard, as he may have difficulty in getting there fast enough if it is soft, and may not know it is time to go if he is normally constipated. Try to get him into the bathroom at expected time periods to get him used to the setting as normal. By all means, do not yell at him or be harsh, as it takes much more body coordination to have a successful bowel movement in the toilet than us adults can even imagine. So it is a matter of him coordinating all bodily sensations. When you take him to the bathroom, be sure to make it pleasant and familiar to him. Keep favorite books in a rack nearby just for him, perhaps a wall radio can help too. Let him know when mom or dad take time to go to the bathroom and make a big deal about the success of it. These items may sound silly or may have already tried some, but it should be a positive expeirence if you expect him to stay seated, so to seak. Do not let his feet dangle, as this causes insecurity, perhaps a special stool for his feet is helpful. They sell many apparatus to make bathroom training a good experience. It is amazing how children can feel something totally different than adults perceive. Good luck and be patient please, it is a complex task often slower for male children than females. I am sure he will improve with patience, guidance and perhaps some toys in the setting.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Behavior 10/18/07
Q. I have a 16 month old daughter and I'm single and I'm going to be separated from my daughter for about 13 weeks, she will be with her father. My question is, how will this affect my daughter being away from her for that long and will she still know who I am?

A. Child parent separation is never easy. You note that your daughter will be with her father for 13 weeks. I assume this is part of a  Court order for him to visit. If not, I wonder how it came about and why such a long stretch of time? Is the visit out of the state or country and who arranged such a plan? In most cases of child custody, the Court is involved and proper evaluations are conducted prior to making leaping decisions about child placement. While both parents normally have equal right to full parenting priviledges, assuming no claims of abuse or other mistreatment, then normally, short visits allowing weekly interaction between both parents is the norm.

Topic: Behavior 10/12/07
Q. My 4 yr daughter cries whenever anyone comes over to our house..relatives or anyone. she  also cries when going to someones house, but she is totally fine when we go to the park or store and see's people or talks to them then and seems confident and outgoing,,,we are completely confused....when asked she says she cries because she like to, or they're not her friend....any idea's?

A. Your 4-year-old cries whenever you enter someone's home or persons enter your home, but not in public when shopping or at the park. Certainly children leap with conclusions from one idea to the next, so it is difficult to ascertain what conclusion she draws within the home. However, I would review any contacts she had with adults or others when the onset of this reaction occured. Perhaps a visitor frightened her and you are not aware of this, thus she relates all persons in the same setting to do the same. Try to zero in further on her reactions. The postive side is that she is not fearful in other settings, so for now keep inquiring about that with her. Sometimes, it is as simple as somene entering with a beard or other unfamiliar appearance.
Please review deeper with her and reflect on who visited the home.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Behavior 10/12/07
Q. I am the mother of a 14-year old boy who has had many issues with not wanting to go to school, explosive anger, disrespectful, drug use, etc. He does currently see a psychiatrist for medications for ADHD, and a mood stabilizer. I cannot seem to get an accurate diagnosis of his condition and sometimes wonder if he has one at all. I did have him tested, which came up positive for a learning disability in Math. His most problematic area is his anger. I am reaching out today because I don't know where to go from here. I've been trying to come up with a solution for years and now his behavior is out of control. It is causing problems with the whole family. I've been told to put him in a residential treatment program, but I feel that is too harsh and so does his counselor at school. My son recognizes and wants to change the way he acts. We have tried counseling and therapy in the past, but my son hates doctors and doesn't like opening up to them. I love my son and want to do what is best for him. Is there any advice you can give me?

A. This is indeed a hard problem on the entire family. Explosive anger moods are typical of mood disorders such as bipolar disorder and others. When a family member acts out, moods are ruined for the entire family. Usualy, the child is sorry as soon as he or she regains calm, but the damage is done. He struggles to cope with his own reactions, thus added knowledge of rejection from others is indeed an emotional hardship for him. Usually an adrenal rush occurs within seconds and it is enough to set off problems. While medications help stablize moods, it does not get to the source of the problem. Until your son learns to open up, which is not easy for anyone, he may not obtain educational insight into his own problem. To that degree, he must take responsbility. Most kids mature by 15-16 and start to work on it, but it sounds very bad to live with. In terms of deciding no residential placement, that is a last resort.

Topic: Health 10/12/07
Q. My son has had a sinus and lung infection for six months now, he is seeing a specialist and they just found out he has a staff infection in his nose passageway. They are giving him bactim ds high dosages and then a cat scan after the two weeks what do you think is causing this.

A. The problem you explain is a medical one and best addressed by his pediatrician. Please defer to medical personnel. As with all problems, you are always free to obtain independent evaluations by the appropriate persons. Treatment methods vary somewhat so you may need to investigate that with other medical personnel. If you need referrals in your location, contact American Academy of Pediatrics Web Site or your insurance provider for additional medical referrals.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Health 10/12/07
Q. My 2 month old daughter is going for her vacinations. Should I give her baby tylenol after and if so.  How much should I give her since the dosage for her age group is not on the box?

A. Hello, that is a question best left for your pediatrician, so please confer with your medical doctor's office for that advice.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Potty Training 10/08/07
Q. I am seeking advice in reference to potty training.  We began the process shortly after my son turned 2.  He is now 3 1/2 and he continues to struggle with using the bathroom.  The issue is specifically related to bowel movements.  He uses the bathroom without any problems (urinating-goes on his own) however, with bowel movements he often does not state he needs to go and will hold it in for days which later results in him going on himself.  My wife and I have 2 younger kids (twins-22 months) as well.  My son has been accepted into two full day school programs but due to him not being fully potty trained we were not able to get him in.  We have tried several techniques and at times he does very well and uses the bathroom for everything but shortly there after he will have an accident.  Please advise! 

A. You express concern for your 3.5 year-old son holding in bowel movements for several days, until finally he messes on himself. Since this prevents him from entering a day care that requires potty training, it is a nuisance in many ways to live with. First, I would note that I am not so sure he willfully holds it in. My first concern would be if his diet is balanced enough to allow him to go or is he actualy constipated. The hard part about potty training is that the effort must be consistent on part of parents and child alike. For example, if he is called in to sit on the toilet at regular time periods, he may grow to expect it. Also, since you have twins age 22 months, he may certainly be reacting with jealousy over the twins, that is not unusaly and needs to be addressed with alone time. Yes, I know it is hard to find alone time with a highly active young family, but somehow, it must be done even if just for a half hour a day or so. He also may not want to attend day school for fear of leaving mom alone to attend to two siblings, while such a motivator is not always evident on the surface, for sure he may feel a bit of jealousy.

Topic: Behavior 10/08/07
Q. I just recently left my husband of 5 years because he has an anger problem. Verbally, not Physically. Now living with my parents. My 3 year old kind of picking up some of his father's habits. When he cries, he screams. I know he is only three, but he has become very disrespectful towards me. He has found a little corner in the upstairs hallway and urinates there every once in a while. He has also said some mean words to  my family and I. He has his first appointment with a counsellor next week, but what could I do here at home to help him. Thank you!

A. The problem you describe is not unusaull when a young child observed an adult parent disrespect the other parent, that is why domestic violence - verbal or physical- is so destructive. Your son no doubt, imitates what he already has seen. Perhaps when visiting with father, he is instructed in ill manners including peeing in the home on the floor. If you have no legal standing to keep father and son separeted, then you will have to bear some rather unfovorable actions. Otherwise, if father has shared custody and is active in the boys life, he may get pleasure from undermining your authority in front of the boy. This is refered to as parental alientation and highly unfavorable in Court settings. If you feel you son is sabotouching your son's relationsihp with you, you may have grounds for a court case. But then again, court cases are higly expensive and not feasable if you  are living in your folks home for financial reasons.

Topic: Behavior 10/02/07
Q. My 7 year old son enjoys playing in the shower for extended periods of time. The problem is that we have caught him a few times now pooping and watching it go down the drain. We have had a few serious talks with him about how inappropriate this is, and have taken privileges away. We have asked him not to do this, he says he won't, but he has continued occasionally to do this. Here is the scene: He general takes several toys in with him and is sitting down. He seems to like watching these pieces of poop go down the drain. Today I was even more alarmed to find him digging in his anus to pull these small bits out and he watched them do down the drain. Please advise us! Thank you.

A.You note that your 7-year-old enjoys sitting in the shower and watching his feces go down the drain, even after you spoke to him not to do this. I realize the last event, when you observed him trying to dig into his anus and retrieve more poops was definitely alarming.  By all means do not overlook the need to address this issue, as he gets older this may get worse if left alone. While all children go through various phases, this is not one that is routine, thus do not wait long for it to pass on its own as it may not.

Topic: Behavior 09/17/07
Q. My son's friend has had his pants purposely had his pants fall exposing his genitals.i was wondering what to do about it?

A. You did not note how old your son was when you found them with his friend fully exposing his genitals. If the boy was older, please do not allow them alone again. Of course, if same age, assuming they are under seven or eight, reinforce to them how that is never to happen again. You might also call the boy's mother to let her knwo, especially if he dropped his pants on purpose. Be sure neither boy is exposed to adult videos as well. Depending on age of both kids, it could become a matter for authorities. If your son displays residual problems with this, please call a local counseling center on how to proceed.

Topic: Behavior 09/17/07
Q. I have a 10 month old daughter who is showing a preference towards wanting to be with my sister who has been visiting for a few days.  Even though I work full time and with her daddy deployed to Iraq (whom she does not know yet) I make sure all our time together if quality time in which