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Dr. Felicia the ParentCoach
Dr. F. Felicia Ferrara, Ph. D.

ParentGuide.com is pleased to feature Dr. Felicia as an educational resource for parents in Tampa Bay. We believe you will find Dr. Felicia a huge source of inspiration; a common sense advisor and a down-to-earth psychologist who will help you better face the challenges of parenting.

Ask Dr. Felicia
Dr. Felicia will answer your questions on child development that are non-medical related. Please send your question to her using the online form and stay tuned to the Dr. Felicia page on ParentGuide.com for answers to all your questions!

Topic: Behavior 12/08/06
Q. actually I have girl,4 months old, since she is borne, she had problem with her defication, sometimes she didn't makd stool for 24 hours and sometimes she made without ay problem, I ased her doctor he siad its normal as her stomach muscles still weak to force the stool out,sorry but i'm a bit worry, please just tell if there is something wrong or its normal, by the way she is perfect inas we are checking up her health every week, thanks for giving me feedback ASAP

A. If your four month old is not moving stoole daily and doctor said all checked out physically, then perhaps you should evaluate other events in her life.
For example, are you mixing cereal too thick so it is difficult to digest. Are baby foods you choose giving her too much gas? Do you burp her regularly. Is the atmosphere calm while she eats?

You see, many variable in the environment can interfere with digestion. Oh yes, do you give her water in her bottle at times as well as formula or other liquids?

Please write down eating habits vs when she gets fussy or uncomfortable and keep a log with dates and type of stole she eliminates. Then consult back with your doctor, he or she may see a pattern that needs changing.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Behavior 12/08/06
Q. I have a 3 year old son that started biting last week. It started out as one bite a day. Now he is biting or trying to bite a least 5 or 6 times a day. He does not bite at home, only at daycare. He has bitten the same girl twice and her mother is very upset with my son which I understand completely. The only changes that have occured are 3 things: He had a cold which he has not been sick for months. We have been trying to be more aggressive with the potty training and he started watching a Little Mermaid video that had a sharks with big teeth snapping at the other fish. I stopped the video and have taken away his other videos and toys when they give me a bad report for the day which has turned into a daily event. After his latest biting attack he put himself in time out. The daycare has no suggestions. I have offer the following suggestions: having my son sit next to the teacher and stand next to the teacher when she has to change another childs diaper. I said he could be her helper. I explained whenever he is whining or impatient at home I will ask him to be my helper on any task I am doing, washing, cleaning, cooking etc. He enjoys this and his attitude changes. I also asked that since he will be next to the teacher she can intervine before the bite happens. She then can give him a time out in the Directors office for attempting the bite which I feel will let him know it is wrong to bite and stop the other children from being bitten. I explained by leaving his friends and the fun of the class he will feel the impact of what he was attempting to do. Well they said it was alot for the teacher to do and that they would try, with a half hearted attitude but that they suggested I look for another daycare. I pulled my son out that day. It was apparent they were not in the child caring business. I need some help. I don't know why this has started and I have decided not to push so much on the potty. Could the stress of the cold, potty training and watching agressive cartoon caused this sudden behavior. I did not tell the new school about the biting episodes. I did not want him labeled as a biter. The new school is a very stuctured and is a Montessori school and they explained they do not have behavioral problems because the children are very busy and they are learning through play. I guess I am just worried he will start this there and I am scared he will be asked to leave. I would appreciate your thoughts on this subject. Thank you

A. Your suggestions to help control your child's biting in the school setting are sound and feasible. Also, while biting others is unacceptable, the other child may provoke your son in some manner. Your son may react with raw emotion and retaliate, thus he may need better coping skills. The teachers may see him bite because the other kids cry but they may not see what precedes the bite. All of this needs to be looked at. Does he bite cousins or playmates at home. You must isolate and examine the behavior patterns as much as possible, then draw more conclusions when you have more detailed info.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Behavior 12/08/06
Q. Thank you for your frank and helpful answers that I have read. I am my grandson (3) caregiver through the week.  His parents will be leaving for six (6) days and I am wondering if you have any "tricks or advice" for this seperation time?

A. It may be past your daughter's vacation time, so I apologize if this reply was delayed. Whenever a  child is placed in a novel position, it is prudent to keep him or her busy. Make a list of his likes and dislikes in regard to food, television programs, activities, etc. List his moods, current nap times, favorites and methods of getting to sleep. Be sure he has familiar toys with him and try to adhere to his mother's routine for him. Consistency is important for small children.

It may help to have a backup plan to change routines in case his boredom or separation anxiety gets too strong. This an be a wonderful bonding experience for you both. Of course, you will have to be available to respond to his needs although you may not be used to a demanding little one. What a privilege to watch over a little one-have fun with it by cutting down your usual schedule and commitments, it will be a full time job. 
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Behavior 12/08/06
Q. 10 yr. old girl recently awarded to father's full custody which was a good change for the girl is currently having on-going issues with stealing from within the family home from infant, grandmother and other in home relatives.  Along with secretly hiding food in her room and does consume everything and lies about it.  And has distructive issues inher room only with writing on walls and smashing some food items on walls as well. Accompanied with wetting the bed on weekly occasions.  What can be done or is there a specialized therapist or doctor to consult at this time?

A. The ten year old girl is obviously having adjustment problems. It is very difficult for a child to make changes although our society demands it given the high rate of divorce and parental visitation schedules. It often takes about a year to fully acclimate self to a new setting. Stealing is often a cry for attention, especially when hoarding objects is involved. Since the circumstances before and since the custody change is not known, by all means, seek out a professional child counselor before the problem deepens. A relationship must be built with the child, it does not happen overnight. Patience and nurturing are definitely needed with firm boundaries, but always reinforce a sense of security with the child. Even if her mother was not good for her welfare, she would still remain loyal and love mother. She may perceive this as abandonment from one parent, rather than acceptance from the other. By all means, be patient, loving and attentive to her with unconditional acceptance. After all, how would you like to have leave a familiar home life for a new one with different people in the household, It is very difficult indeed to adjust at all, never mind
when you are age ten.
Much Patience please!
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Behavior 12/08/06
Q. My 5 yr old son is having a very hard time getting the concept down of how to wipe himself after a bowel movement.  Sometimes it doesn't look as if he even tried to wipe himself.  Can you please tell me the best way to handle this and help this precious child to understand what he has to do?  I have shown him so many times, we have wipies that we use (although this doesn't help him when he is at school).  He usually has his bowel movements at school, and I just hate the idea of him walking around all day with this on him.  I tried to explain to him that he smells when he doesn't wipe good and it has to be uncomfortable having this all over his bottom.
Any advise you can give me would be greatly appreciated!

A. Your son may have a lazy attitude toward self -grooming. It is of concern that walking around with a smelling pants does not bother him. Even though he is only age five, other kids will soon ridicule him for the smell or shun him altogether. All you can do is keep encouraging and demonstrating the right way to wipe him self. Do not yell or make a war over it, as this will only make him withdraw further. Please try again. Use dolls if you have to, to demonstrate the proper method. Be sure to consult with the doctor as well if this continues unchecked. Often kids are too involved with an activity to waste time wiping, despite the discomfort.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Behavior 12/08/06
Q. My daughter will be 4 in December and I also have a 1 year old girl. I work full time and always have. My1 year old goes to my mothers while I work and my 4 year old goes to daycare. Every morning my 4 year old cries her eyes out and keeps saying she dont want to go. But when I pick her up she is fine-but the daycare says she is clingy with the teachers and does cry sometimes thru the day.. I dont know what to do!!

A. Your concern is understood. Clinging actions and crying at separation, often represent a sense of insecurity. Kids do not always differentiate from going away to work or going away altogether, so they often think they will neversee mom again. The more immature the child is developmentally, the more the inability to perceive a return visit from mom can be to the child.

Reassure your daughter via special 'alone time' on nights or weekends. Try to encourage play contact with another child at daycare. Perhaps a friends' mom can share or alternate babysitting every other Saturday, that way you get time alone and your daughter gets to build an association with someone who is also at daycare. One good playmate can change everything. But only quality time and attention can foster a greater sense of security within your child. Please encourage her to play with kids her age at all times, but also spend time reassuring her about your love and acceptance of her as your daughter. Don't worry, one day you will cry because she never comes home, it happens to all moms.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Behavior 12/08/06
Q. I'm trying to break my soon to be two year old from wanting to nurse. It's become a habit. I was told a little tea tree oil around the nipple would taste bitter. The bottle states "do not ingest". Would it be alright to use this for this purpose? I would appreciate any other suggeststions? Thank you,
P.S. We've tried everything else to no avail.

A. Your concern for a two-year-old still wanting to breast feed is a real one. If the bottle of tea tree oil says 'do not ingest' by all means do not use it. Sometimes a light pepper around the nipple will have the same effect. Your two year old should be too busy playing with toys or other kids to want to suck on mom anymore. It is well past the time for breast feeding. Encourage your child to feed self and make it playful, not tedious or demanding. Get special bottle tops or utensils that make it an enjoyable process with many compliments from mom.

Also, check with your pediatrician if there is another liquid or method to deter breast feeding from a two year old. But do not use anything that says, 'do not ingest.'
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Behavior 12/08/06
Q. I have a friend who's niece is experiencing these behaviors. The child is 6 years old.  She still poops on herself, she talks about suicide often, has mood swings (highs and lows), told someone in the family that she showers with her dad (when mom is not around), also told someone that dad tickles her in her private.  Should the family be concern of incest?  Where else can we find information.  Thanks

A. When a six year old speaks of suicide, it is past time for professional intervention. Please encourage your friend to seek out community resources and perhaps, she can provide the list to the child's mother. If something is not done to assist this child, mother may find trouble for neglect or medical neglect; Suicidal comments should not be ignored. No doubt, many details are involved, so due to the seriousness of the problem, consult a professional who can gain greater insight into all details of the case.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Behavior 12/08/06
Q. It's late, and many nights I have found myself at the computer looking for resources; S.C. laws, anything that will help my son and his classmates in school.  At first glance I may seem like the over protective Mother seaching for the reason to complain about my son's teacher.  That's not the case.  My husband and I were so impressed with our son's teacher; we went prior to school and let him meet her and her assistant.   My son has really been too isolated from children and the world; he was so, so excited to start 5K (the school system only allowed him 2 hrs. last year).  My son insisted he wear a tie and dress shoes etc. to meet them. I  couldn't believe what he wanted to wear! He really wanted to make a great impression.  He can be socially lacking and shy, but speaks to everyone.  He really tries; now he's so insecure.  He hasn't had the opportunity to be around many other kids other than my grandson that's 2 months older than he.  The dissapointments that he has endured in his short life make me very angry. But I don't think that why I'm concerned about this; anybody would wonder.

To the point; his teacher had an accident; a sub came in; the assistant would not or did not communicate with her; my son was not treated for a medical condition (not related to this; caused a physical and emotional pain).  I told him all he had to do was ask; he could go to the nurse.  If ya want to know; I'll tell ya and I promise you nor any adult could sit still.  Anyway, Certified (sub) teacher came in.  A letter was sent home with the principal stating her name and that she was qualified.  That's it.  The web is covered with notes from all the other 5K teachers but my son's class.  I have two pages of documentation.  For example, his homework was continually left in his folder; who do I ask?  There's no number for the substitute.  So I asked the assistant.  Work was still left. I was told to call his teacher at home that is in serious pain taking a very strong narcotic.  At the first Parent Teacher Conference the assistant teacher was there; nobody else?  The next meeting 6 wks later) the teacher was there in a wheelchair (Two weeks ago). She gave progress reports.  She had not been there in 9 weeks.  My son has become very anxious.  He came home and asked me not to call the school.  He was so nervous; said don't call the school.  And I said why and he said he would rather not say. I didn't want to interigate him, so I just said everything's fine and I will not call but I needed to know why and he said the assistant teacher whom he identifies thinks as his teacher told him she I was calling and fussing about her.  Why didn't he do this and that?  He is five.  I am about to go out of my mind.  Other parents are coming to me.  At the teachers meeting (2nd) the TEACHER, the real thing, that's in great pain, in a wheelchair, stated that her assistant had not followed any of her guidance.  I know she's in a great deal of pain and I pray she will recover soon.  But this is ridiculous.  I never heard a word about the teacher (certified) and what she had done or not done. My son will not say anything.  He is terrified.  I have called the school about reading papers and coupons for pizza; things we've never seen and her to inquire, but I have been until now.  I didn't call the principal until Friday.  I have called the secretary and asked for number of the PTO president; school improvement etc., but before I call; something else seems to happen.  His homework was piled in his bookbag for 7 days.  When I called the school and asked for her to call, she did a few days later and stated he just doesn't hand it in.  I've told him I don't want his Mother calling and fussing about it.  I asked the certified sub about it (at pickup) and she said; it's fine; he should hand it in on Friday.  She is staying out of everything possible.  The permanent "MIA" teacher said to hand it in daily.  This is so messed up it could be the precident for what happens when a teacher becomes ill for an extended time.  I am taking my son to the doctor tomorrow.  A psychologist.  Then another psychologist that I've known for years.  When the assistant called me this past weekend (another teacher told her my husband had a concern about a book fair; he was late getting back to work...all the info and the libray told me this was handled during the school day.)  She called and said he doesn't hand in his work; and he didn't EVEN had in his snack schedule.  When I told him I would send snacks next week he became very upset and said that I had to.  A week ago he told me the NAME OF A CHILD and said his mother didn't send snacks.  THEY HAD NO SNACK.  I didn't call.  But I did Friday.  The principal knows.  She's in a pickle.  But that's her job.  I cannot believe this woman of 47 told my 5 year old that I was calling her and fussing because of him.  When I talked with her; she stated she told him he had better hand in his work; that she didn't want me to call her.  And I asked her why everything on his report card including following directions listed mastered; except on 1 item distiguishing this or that stated progressing.  She had to go; her daughter was waiting.  Tomorrow, I will call the superintendent.  I'm very tired; this may seem like nothing, but if you only knew how confusing the constant it almost seems secrecy is? who is the sub (certified); I have heard she's a good teacher. We cannot talk with her.  What's going on? I am and other parents are upset.  THERE IS NO COMMUNICATION.  If he didn't have something in his notebook, why wouldn't she tell me. I believe after a few days if a five year old is told to had in his homework and doesn't; I would ask the parent why? And unless it disappeared in the wind; he always has, and more.  He does extra work.  From what I can gather, I do not believe they give compliment freely.  Friday he didn't hand in his snack paper; and she said to me; AS A MATTER OF FACT he didn't hand in his snack paper, but I knew why and told her.  She didn't seem understand the why behind it. I felt bad that he didn't trust me - that bringing the snack this week was fine. But he didn't get his medication and I promised; didn't go to admin- thought that wouldn't happen to another child only to find out a girl didn't receive her allergy medication and the mother went to see the assistant (thought she was the teacher).  Don't misunderstand; I have nothing against assistant teachers.  Last year my son's assistant was wonderful.  Snacks are voluntary.  She told me that if they don't have them; they do not eat!  I can only tell you that over $60 dollars in snacks have been sent by 2 parents including me and the day I sent snacks, they gave out 2 townhouse cracker and juice containers - offered 1/2 piece of cheese.  This is part of the wellness program they have adopted low fat etc.  Presidentially mandated.  The principal told me they should have plenty of food left from their free breakfast.  Please tell me what you think.  I am a tired, almost 46 and I love my son.  And I love children.  This class, I feel have gotten a raw deal.  By the way, the principal, said, even though she didn't think it was right that she tell my son I call and fussed, she thought she told all the other children, something like, I don't want you parents calling fussing at me because you didn't turn in your work.  That really helped.  Today, for the first time he smiled about his substitute(certified) and said she read them a book.  This is so unprofessional.   I have two pages of documentation of simply being careless.  Ya just can't imagine this.  Tell me someone besides the superintentent I could get help from, please.  Here I am; I always vote!!!! My son clammed up again about seven and truly cannot remember what he said; but I said who said what? and he said; nothing; don't call the school.  I pulled over and told him, again, not to be frightened. I told him that teachers are just like us; they make mistakes; that Ms --- should never have told him I ever talked with her; I explained the best I could without demeaning her authority; that she is helping Ms. ___ while
Ms. ___ is recovering.  I could see he was thinking, and was surprised.  I told him no one was allowed to scare him.....but I've got to get some sleep and carry my son to school and reassure him again. 

These teachers will not work together and the kids are suffering.  They weren't in a recent school play, most other 5K participated in and a school trip.  FED UP.  PASSIVE HAS CHANGED.  I have so much ya wouldn't believe and it's still hard for me. 

A. Most school systems have a leadership hierarchy. If a problem occurs with a
teacher in a school, the fist line of action is to bring to the administrator /principle's attention. If that is not helpful, then contact the central office (superintendent's office) and ask for an advocate for your child. It is always best to write out your concerns, be sure to date the letter. It is harder to ignore a written concern versus a verbal one.
Then if still no action, check with other parents or PTA members to see if similar pattern. If still no improvement, write an editorial in the newspaper as most school systems hate negative comments.

As a parent, you have more power than you think, although it is frustrating to work the system while your child suffers with frustration. Let your instincts guide you, so far, it sounds like you really do sense something is wrong, but your may not know how to fix it. Work up the leadership hierarchy at your public school. Present your issues in clear, non emotional logic, rather than overly emotional parent ( I am sure you will).
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Custody 12/08/06
Q. We have a 12 year old boy that we don't have custody but everytime we have him for the weekend he cries and hide not to go back to his mom i would like to know what would happen if we don't take him back thx

A. If you do not return a child after visitation, you can be in contempt of court and arrested. If your son is in distress, only a lawyer can propose a motion to change custody. But also, check with your local family court. You may be able to get a guardian at litem involved or a change of primary custody through your lawyer.

As for your son's emotional well being, try talking to him to ask what is wrong. Be gentle and non-threatening. Usually, when a child refuses to return to apparent, there is a good reason. Please check out the courts as well as your child's emotional state. A good counselor can help in that area as well.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Behavior 12/08/06
Q. I need help!  I am a 29 year old mother and step mother.  I had one child, he had three.  We now have one together.  This is my issue.  From the beginning of our relationship We had the kids all the time.  The bio mom is a drug addict, and abusive.  The oldest (15-his) is not his biologically, he was lead to believe he was, but, he is black and his mother and father are caucasion so it was obvious, but none of us cared.  The next child  (13-his) is definately his and she and I for the most part get along.  The Child after her (11-his we think)I have never gotten along with, from the moment we started dating 6 years ago (she was 5).  She was hateful, rude, sarcastic, and vicious to me and my daughter.  Now the problems we are having are really weighing on me.  My husband, has severe anxiety problems, he takes many medications, and takes such a large amout of xanex that he buys it over the internet.  This makes him aggitated.  Which in turn makes me grumpy.  Now we factor in the guilt he has over the oldest not being his, and fear that if we upset him he will leave and we won't see him again because he isn't ours (he is the legal father on the birth cert.).  So he does not dicipline the boy at all.  He steals from my purse, we have a rodent problem stemming from his room because he won't stop stashing food and dishes.  If I ask him to do chores he is not made to do them because he plays football.  When I forced him to do the dishes he took them out and broke them.  He gets in my face and threatens me.  And he calls me horrible things and his father says he is just defending himself because I made him mad.  The middle daughter that I generally get along with, tells some horendous stories about me and has now started lashing out in school to the subs.  To my face we are best friends, behind my back she tells such stories that her father and I start to fight because I am "treating her badly".  The youngest that I haven't ever gotten along with, yells at me, calls me names and tells her dad that I tell her that i hate her and treat my own daughters better (I have never told her that nor would I, we don't get along well but I love her very much and it tears me up when we fight).  I end up fighting with the other mom (who only parents when it is convienient for her). and we all end up miserable.  My daughter (9 previous marriage) is a bright sweet girl that used to sing all the time, and made the whole room light up.  She is now quiet, sad and starting to act up like the others.  I have tried so hard with the kids, if I buy for one I buy for all.  We have family night, I try to spend alone time with them, i work full-time and then go home and do all the housework and laundry late at night so that they can be kids and have play time.  Yet they steal my things, break my valuables and have even burned my yearbooks, and pictures.  They are rotten to my daughter, and her self esteem is suffering.  I came home the other day to my son throwing the flour out the window, and when questioned about it he told me I must have been hallucinating, But the flour was all over the drive way.  I had been trampled by a horse and was severely injured, and lost the use of my right hand recently and needed their help with laundry and such, and they threw out my clothes.  I am exhausted, bitter and resentful.  I don't know what to do. If I leave, then the kids will be lost.  My husband only spends time with the boy and the 4 girls are ignored by him.  When I moved in, The 14 year old was 8 and she did all the cooking, cleaning and laundry.  I am afraid that they would be in the same boat.  I would take my two children.  I don't want to devastate those kids again by having another person leave them.  The other mother is not an option, she doesn't want them and has since moved on remarried and had another child.  She calls occasionally, but that is it.  I have tried to sit down and talk with my husband and let him know how the girls feel about his lack of interest in them (they voice it all the time.).  And also have tried to talk to him about the way the kids are with me.  He says that I just don't understand them because they are from a divorced home and I never knew this type of life because my parents are still together.  He just blows me off.  We have no relationship anymore.  We have not made love in 2 years and he doesn't kiss me.  When I try to innitiate anything, a kiss, hug, sex, he pushes me away and says it is the meds.  I am so miserable, I love them all so much and I don't want to leave any of them.  But I have started considering finding alternate ways to get affection.  I don't want to do this, but it continues to creep into my mind.  I have not done anything about it and have asked for counseling for my husband and I and the kids and us but he refuses.  He says the problem is all in my head.  What can I do.  Did any of this make sense?  How do I get the kids to stop hating me, my husband to stop ignoring me, and my heart to stop breaking?  Please advise me. 

A. You do have a lot of responsibility for your young age of 29. It sounds like the last girl, age 11, creates the largest drain on all of your energies. Each child is different, so they require different parenting techniques. She is the youngest, so perhaps suffers without mother the most. Also, she may have other personal needs, like ADHD or mood swings that are chemically driven. A good blood test by a pediatrician can help identify if her moods are physiologically driven. It is not unusual for a child to resent another woman taking her (the child's), father's attention. As the adult, it is
inherent that you find a way to reach this child. The more a child expresses anger, the deeper they actually hurt inside. Also, as the youngest, her mother may lean on her or play on her emotions while the older children see past that. Please be patient and try to overcome her anger and hurt. You may already have tried spending time with her, but with five kids at different ages, that may be impossible. Try anyway. Father should also spend time with her alone as well. You have taken on a lot of problems, may you find the strength to get through it, I suspect you will. God Bless.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Behavior 12/08/06
Q. I have a step son that recently turned 17 and also recently moved in with my husband and our 2 kids for the second time during his life.  He told us that he was miserable living with his mom and stepdad.  Since moving here he has been truant so many times he was kicked out of both a regular high school & a charter school.  He does not work, does not go to school, and is disrespectful, ungrateful, and defiant. 

My husband and I are frustrated beyond belief, but we are beginning to feel trapped in the sense that we really don't have any recourse.  We have not allowed him to get a driver's license, so there is no punishment there.  He has been placed on restriction numerous times, but we both work full time & cannot ensure he never leaves our house (which is why we could also not enforce his attendance at school). 
We are tired of his behavior and I'm sure our two youngest kids (age 4yrs & 9yrs) are picking up things that they should not. I feel that he should get a job if he is refusing to go to school & also should be required to pay rent.  I feel that as a child your job is to go to school, and that is why your parents support you.  But I feel that if he wants to be an adult now & choose to not go to school--then he should pay rent like an adult. My husband disagrees, he feels that our kids should never have to pay rent for living in our home.  I normally feel this way, but this situation has made me see that there are always exceptions.  Is this an unrealistic expectation?  I really need some advice on how to handle him, because his behavior is draining on our entire household and our marriage as well.  P.S. We have considered family counseling & he has been sure to disappear on the night it was scheduled...again another situation out of our control.

A. Your step son sounds either seriously depressed or perhaps, in the midst of using drugs. You did not mention his social life, if he has one. I suspect he hangs out late, and then sleeps late. Or, he may withdraw into his room in further depression. He has slipped through the loops and needs attention to find career interests. You are right about paying rent, not much but something to contribute to his livelihood, it would also teach him initiative. Your husband is only playing into son's laziness or depression, thus Dad becomes an enabler...perhaps out of guilt from the divorce.

While it is true his actions will influence the younger children at home, dad's obligation lies with his son since the son needs direction. If that problem is taken care of, other problems will also fade. Career exploration is free at local Florida unemployment offices, also, job openings can be searched via zip code on www.myflorida.com. But from the sounds of it, your son is too overwhelmed to get going, so counseling may have to come first. He does not sound like he likes himself much and is perhaps deeply into depression with no motivation to improve. While a 'dead head' is a drag on family members, all young people need guidance in getting their life together. A little extra attention now, can get him on the road to independence and save many years of hardships on you and he as well.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Behavior 12/08/06
Q. I am desperate, my 3 year old son is hitting, kicking, and even throwing chairs at pre-school.  He was well behaved in home daycare, but since he's been in pre-school (4 1/5 mons) we've had this agressive behavior, he is on his way to being kicked out!  There is none of this at home, or at friends houses, he comes to me or another parent and tells them if there is a problem,but at not at school. HELP!!!

A. More details are needed to gain an understanding of your son's sudden aggression in the day care setting. So many questions come to mind. Perhaps the day care teacher is not very structured and kids in general act up with one another, more constructive discipline is needed, or that simply may not be the right school to handle your son. You did not mention, how experienced the teacher is or how large the daycare sessions are. Please rethink the school process and see if you can find another before your son get the label of 'bad boy' and it sticks for life. Perhaps you can also observe for a day and see if it helps. Behavioral specialists exist in public schools, but I am not sure about your day care school. Please explore these options. When such an abrupt change of behavior occurs, one is always concerned about the
settings. Observe the school in progress. Also, if your son witnesses violence anywhere, it is sure to carry over into other settings. I assume he does not see violence in other settings, please recheck all settings.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Discipline 12/08/06
Q. I have always been the discipliner since our son was born, my husband has always struggled with disciplining him. Now my son is 30 months old and seems to only want his father to do things for him and with him. It is a constant argument in our family. When I discipline our son, he automatically calls for his father and has a full tantrum until my husband steps in; when I discipline him often times my husband in front of our son will tell me to tone it down ect...I'm at a lost I don't know what to do
because I am always sad that my son wants only his father and I'm now to the point that when he wants his father I just walk away...what can I do?

A. When parents disagree over how to discipline a child, it will only get worse as the years go on. Shouting or yelling turns off all persons, young and old, so if you are a yeller to the extreme, please reassess your means of communicating. Your husband may intend to protect your son from what he views as, excess yelling or harshness, but when he diminishes your word in front of the child, it only reinforces the child's negative actions. Children learn very young how to play one parent against the other. Your husband may enjoy being the 'protector' right now, but as your son gets older, the demands will become increasingly severe from your son. It sounds like you both could use some parenting classes. It is worth your investment of time to come to terms now, rather than to let it foster into a major household problem. You and your husband must learn to find a common medium and then stick to it for your son's sake. Parenting Coordinator can help or community colleges offer programs on parenting which may prove most helpful if you both attend and try to lessen the gap on child discipline between you both.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Behavior 11/13/06
Q. MY FRIEND BARB GRAND DAUGHTER IS 4 MONTHS.  BARB VISTS EVERY
OTHER DAY, BUT EVERY TIME SHE TALKS OR TRIES TO CARRY HER, THE BABY STARTS CRYING. WHAT SHOULD SHE DO FOR THE BABY TO REJECT HER?

A. A 4 month old baby is quite sensitive to material, energy and tone. Perhaps her grandma wears clothing that scratches, or talks in a harsh tone or carries her roughly. To get the baby more familiar with her, she can start by approaching the child when she is quiet and softly touching checks or speak in soft tone, play enjoyable soft music. If the child senses harshness she will recoil. Also, the 4 month old may be overly attached to her mom. But usually small babies respond well to soft touches.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Behavior 11/13/06
Q. I work in a school and had a parent ask about what to do about her 5 year old adoptive daughter "flirting" with the little boys in the classroom. She does a lot of hugging, blowing kisses and tells them she loves them.  My concern is why she is doing this? The child was adopted at birth and the parent can guarantee there has been NO sexual abuse.  Both parents are affectionate with the child, but are concerned as to what they can do so she doesn't carry this over in school or other social gatherings. The child came home and said to the mother, "Bobby pushed me on the swing the other day and put his hand on my side.  It felt so warm and made me feel comfortable." Any ideas as to what to suggest to this mother?

A. Most five year olds are not sexualized without some exposure. Either she views adult scenes on TV, observed her parents, or older relative, or something else is going on. Certainly it is cause for concern as she gets older, it will get worse. Someone in her environment is giving her attention based on her looks or girlish ways, She is now seeking more of that acceptance. Mother should reevaluate all that occurs in the girl's environment, home and at school.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Behavior 11/13/06
Q. Do you think there is something wrong with a 10 year old boy sharing a bedroom with his mom? I know somebody who does and it is a big issue with me. What should I say to her(the mother?

A. Something is definitely wrong with a mom who sleeps with a ten year old. The boy deserves privacy, especially as he approaches puberty. Mother may be overly dependent on the child and thus, reinforces the boy to be dependent on her. That is not good for teaching the child to be a mature adult. Needless to say, emotionally and physical boundaries are out of line. Mother should read some books on child development, however, if she is the one who is overly dependent on him, that can be a greater problem. Consult a family member who knows all parties and can make more definite -objective - suggestions for assistance in your community. All community colleges have short session courses on parenting skills. 
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Behavior 11/13/06
Q. A ten yr old boy is pooping in his underware,not using toilet paper, and hiding the entire mess in his room with no clean-up attempted. His parents have been divorced for 1 year and it is the #1 topic in both houses. the 2 kids are used as go-betweens. 
Mom is very concerned.  Dad ignores, which is his usual behavior. Help!

A. When both parents are immature and use a child as a go between, the child of
course, is the one who suffers. NO doubt the pooping in the pants is related, assuming it did not occur prior to the divorce.

Mom should consult her pediatrician and local counseling agency as this is indeed a serious problem, usually associated with deeper emotional issues that call for professional input.

Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Behavior 11/13/06
Q. my grandson is 22 months and was doing great at potty training then he stoped.  Now when he has to have a bowl movement he tries to hold it in at the point of turning red and hold himself tight.  We give him fruit, prune juice, he drinks soy milk because of a milk alergy.  is there anything we can do to help him.  when he is sleeping he wakes up crying, we even tried sitting him on the potty and sitting in there with him.  by him stopping himself from going he causes a rash by his rectum because a little may come out which we can't always see.  I have given his a glycern
suppository in hope this will help. give us a idea what we can do he suffers so much.

A. By all means, discuss this with your pediatrician to rule out any physical blockages or anatomical problems. If someone was overly harsh with potty training, the boy may invoke a 'test of wills', thus the more mom may get upset and yell or scold, the more the boy will hold onto his feces. This is not unusual if emotional, or if mom is hurried or stressed about training him early. For now, back off and let it go, he will eliminate feces in his own time, otherwise, real physical problems can arise. It is not unusual for kids to stop and start potty training, especially boys, who are often later than girls in potty training. Sometimes, even if a kid gets negative attention (yelling or scolding), It actually reinforces his actions. So for now, try backing off and see if it changes automatically. Change your attention to something else. But keep him relaxed, as no one can have a bowel movement if their body is tense and stressed.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Health 11/13/06
Q. My daughter is 2 1/2 years old.  She has been developing mentally/physically at roughly the same rate as her 3 1/2 year old brother did (which is quite fast - Grandma is an elementary teacher and has taught them quite a lot).  She's always been adventurous physically, but not socially.  She prefers playing with her brother or by herself.  She is very well coordinated and prefers to play on the 5 and up playgrounds with big slides and big ladders.  My son is just the opposite.  He loves interaction
with people but always lets his sister do physical activities first so he knows they are 'safe'.

My daughter has started regressing though.  She is dropping plates/cups/etc at an increasing rate, trips more, bumps into things.  She's even too scared to walk near the stairs and she used to fly down them.  This all happened over the last couple of weeks.  I've been gone 2 1/2 weeks for work and it's only been the last 2 weeks this has been happening.  I don't think she understands that I'm coming home soon. Vision and hearing checked ok yesterday by pediatrician and optometrist.  The pediatrician wants blood tests, MRI, and urine tests!  She thinks the next step is for her to regress into seizures.  What is going on?!  I hate to question a pediatrician's judgement ... but it just seems odd that all this has occured since I left.  Is this change in behavior normal when a change like that happens?

A. A 2.5 year old has no concept of someone returning when gone. Two and half weeks away is a long separation for a 2.5 to experience from mom. She may have fell or gotten hurt in your absence, even a small bump on the head can cause torn lesions in the brain. The sudden timid actions and tripping, does sound as if something traumatic happened to her. It is unclear who babysat while you were gone. If injury occured early in the 2.5 weeks, prolonged actions can occur. Why your pediatrician jumped from tripping to potential seizures is unclear, but for sure, your daughter's actions and daily routine must be monitored closely. I regret I cannot answer your questions more fully but apparently some physiological change is also at hand. I assume your doctor took x-rays to rule out concussion, which would account for neurological changes. Please consult other professionals if you do not feel your current doctor is sufficiently addressing the issues.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Single Parenting 11/13/06
Q. Dr. Felicia - I realize this is not your primary purpose; however, I need guidance.  My friend is a 36 yr old single mother that has 3 children - a 7 year old and 19 month old twins.  After paying the necessary bills (rent; car; ins.; utilities; etc.) she has only $1000 to cover gasoline; groceries; and child care.  Because she is unable to do so, she has allowed the father of the children to live in her home so he can provide childcare while she is at work.  This simply is not working and he is draining her financially, emotionally, psychologically.  He does absolutely nothing to assist with household chores which means she has to do that as well.  He will not work and contribute to the household income as hee claims he is too tired after keeping the children all day.  If she could find assistance or a workable solution to daycare (including picking the 7 year old up from school)she could get the father of her children out of the house.  I want to help her however I can find no resources to refer her to.  She has a decent job ($50,000) which means she has been unable to obtain financial assistance. Can you provide any advice? 

A. Your friends dilemma is not unusual. Many women allow a man to live in the home, under the perception that he will make life easier. Unfortunately, most men today need a mother not a girlfriend. Once the relationship pattern is established, it is probably not going to change, but may get worse.

Your friend can apply to the local school for possible after school program. If the children get special lunch tickets, she may qualify for babysitting services. Perhaps, she has not investigated the local services sufficiently. Call the local school district, central office or superintendent's office and ask what services the school system and community offer.

Also, call the local town hall (court clerk) and ask what services are available for single working parents. No doubt your friend as her hands full, but if she truly wanted help she would seek it out. She may be overly dependent on her 'man' for other reasons than obvious to you. As they say, 'love is blind', so many women fall into the same pattern as men are too quick to take advantage of a caring women.

Please seek out the services for her then lead her to them. As you already know, you cannot change her life for her, she must want to it herself. She is just too busy to search out her options. By all means, help her please, the household arrangement sounds unhealthy for mother and children alike and a crisis is no doubt, highly possible under such stressful arrangements-just know she is not alone. She may also benefit from battered women's groups if she is emotionally and physically abused.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Behavior 11/13/06
Q. What is the most effective method to handle first grade boys and girls who have begun kissing each other on the lips?  I would like them to know that this is inappropriate without causing shame.

A. You are correct that kissing on the lips is inappropriate in first grade. Where are they seeing this and who is encouraging it, if anyone at all. Someone may be telling them it is cute. The other child may be exposed to sexualized behavior that is inappropriate for his age, and practicing with your daughter. You might ask where they learned to do that.

It is okay to simply let them know it is not appropriate and separate them. Do not yell about it, or make a big deal of it. Just be firm and consistent and let them know it is unacceptable. Monitor the children closely, including if they have older siblings.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Potty Training11/13/06
Q. My 2 1/2yr old recently got potty trained. He hasent went pee in his pants for about 2 months now. For the past week he has been going in his room, taking off his pants and underware, and pooping in his hands and wipeing it all over the walls. We have put him in the corner, spanked his butt, talked to him sternly, tried everything we know to do. I have three boys and he is my youngest. ive never had to deal with something like this and dont know how to handle the situation. ITS GOT TO STOP! Me and my husband have been having marrital problems. Do you think this could be why hes doing this?

A. Even at age 2.5 children respond to arguing and stress. If he hears you over the phone or telling others about it, yes, it can upset him. When he does poop, make him participate in cleaning it up and be firm that it is inappropriate. Do not spank him or yell about it as that will only send him deeper into emotional stress. If he is frightened by yelling, as with all kids, he may retreat and disassociate, thus, not be fully aware of what he doing. If it keeps up, please seek out professional help. This child may be more sensitive to the older boys, and probably hears and sees more since he is home and not in school. Do all you can to keep him in a peaceful setting.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Potty Training11/13/06
Q. I have a 4 year old grandson who is still not potty trained. He and my 26 year old daughter live with us. My grandson stays with his mother 1/2 of a week and his father the other. He sometimes goes on the potty and usually not. After my daughter becomes extremely frustrated she loses her patience and starts yelling. I really try to stay out of it but I eventually have to intercede because I can't stand to listen to him cry. Mom works full time and dad watches him while mom is working. It appears that dad has given up trying to train him. Mom and dad{never married} had a very bad breakup over a year ago and mom and son have been with us since then.I personally can't believe he is still not potty train. He has a cousin a year younger than him and he is potty trained. Being around him doesn't even seem to make a difference. He went to the doctors about 3 weeks ago at my request and he had an obstructed bile. He had a couple of enema's. He is now taking miralax. I thought after this it would be better but it is not. HELP   

A. By age four, your grandson should definitely be potty trained, it sounds like an emotionally regressed problem and perhaps lack of consistent parenting. When small children are split half weeks they never get consistent parenting, it is very hard on them. You daughter should stop yelling as this only stresses the boy more and thus, makes it harder to relax. Your daughter yells in frustration, which only exacerbates the problems. Perhaps you can call your local school district and ask if they have a behavioral functionalist, a specialist who comes to the home and helps show mom how to manage the problem. Mom must also be consistent in how she treats the boy in this matter. Parenting coordinators are specialists who talk to both parents and make certain conditions for the child's benefits. As both parents yell at the boy, he will only lose self esteem and become more distressed. Please help him as soon as possible.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Behavior 11/07/06
Q. I am a teacher with a problem concerning a student's behavior that I can't find an answer to anywhere.  Maybe you can help.... I have a 6th grade boy in my classroom who, when using the restroom, will often "poop" ON the toilet seat, rather than in the toilet! I know that it's this particular boy (a lot of consideration went into discovering who did this, all of it decent and above-board), but his parent's won't believe it. The boy will neither confirm nor deny that he does this.  He has a lot of troubles... possible ADHD, some family counseling issues.  Can you give me an idea of why he might do this and what I might do to stop him?  Is this a sign of something that I should be reporting? Thank you.  (Your site is wonderful!)

A. Given the nature of the problem and your role as a teacher, it would be best to involve the school nurse in the issue, since this is somewhat out of the realm of teaching as it takes place in the bathroom. If you have a behavioral analyst in school as well, it would help to chart the days and times this happens so you could present with hard facts. The boy may be in such a hurry to leave the bathroom that he droops on the seat or other kids may be teasing him. If he has stomach unrest that causes soft stool, this may also contribute to the problem. But to protect yourself as well as help him, involve the assistance of other specialists in the school. That way, you are not out on a limb alone and numerous specialist agree, if that is the case. 
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Behavior 11/07/06
Q. my  son  10  palys football  has a problem eating dinner  because he snack as soon as he comes home and through the night then leaving the wrapers all over the house in the couch and under stuff to try and hide his snacking habits Want to find a fair punishment for him dont think NOFOOT BALL IS FAIR. What to  do  ?

A. Regarding your son's snacking on various junk food then not eating dinner or leaving wrappers around the house. Perhaps the better punishment would be to not have the snacks were he can get them, and when he makes a mess, he should pick up all and get kp in the kitchen or vacuum the living room. The main point you want to drive home is that he is accountable for his actions. But taking football away, it seems larger than the crime. Rather, let him see what it feels like to clean up his mess. Where does he get the snack food. Perhaps you could have fruit instead of candy or heavy foods as all kids need a pick me up after school, but keep it light and set limits If you have to lock the snacks away and pretend there are none, then do so. Do not make this a contest that wears you both out with  a large war. Rather he
needs to develop better eating habits and cleanliness. Take him to a science museum about foods and also, help him with the cleaning at first.

Football serves many purposes with kids and is a healthy way to learn team work and structure. The eating is more symptomatic of poor habits or perhaps, over loneliness on returning home. As frustrating as it may be to you as a parent, who no doubt has tried to stop him, the better way is to SHOW him a more positive rational for acting differently.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Separation Anxiety11/07/06
Q. I'm in need of some guidance. My 3 yr old daughter has recently been showing signs of seperation anxiety, especially when going to daycare. I have been in contact with her daycare provider and says she's happy all day, and when I pick her up, she doesn't want to leave and has to show all the stuff she did.  I call often to her daycare and can hear her laughing in the background.  I don't know what I can do to ease her during the morning when we are getting ready, as she is crying and making it hard to get her ready.  I'm going to try another daycare to see if there is a differance, I don't expect one, but am trying all angles.  Thanks much for your help and guidance!!

A. Regarding your daughter's separation anxiety at leaving home for daycare, it may be a phase to get your attention rather than a significant problem. If there is anything else going on at home, she will sense it. IF another child stays home with you or if she is worried about your well being she will not want to leave. The fact that you hear her laughing and playing, suggests she does well there once on her own. Kids often save the worst behavior for their parents but act well on their own. As for changing day care, if she is already happy there during the day, why change it.

Is your daughter's crankiness more due to not getting enough sleep or proper eating. Also, kids have a biological clock too; she may simply not be a morning person. Try ignoring the clinginess and keep an upbeat and happy tone. Emphasize what a big girl she is to go to day care. Of course you are right to watch her reactions, but see if a more positive approach may help her through the morning routine.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Behavior 11/07/06
Q. I am a thirty year old stepfather.  I have worked with children all my life.  I am currently a principal of an elementary school.  My wife and I got married over the summer and are expecting our first child in December.  My problem arrises from the fact that she already had a daughter.  The problems started when we found out she was pregnant.  This is my first child and her second.  I was excited about buying new things for our baby yet she stated she already had it from her daughter. I told her I would not use it and that it wasn't fair for our children to get hane me downs.  I did not want to have my children using second hand items from a child that wasn't mine, but I didn' tell my wife this.  Now this child is living in our home and I just can't stand her.  I am very good to her and treat her respectfully and with care but inside this is tearing me up.  I loath this child.  She is my wifes link to a past life that I want no part of.  My wife has no idea that I feel this way.  I  just avoid being around her daughter every chance I get.  I try to stay at work later so that her daughter will be in bed when I get home.  I don't want to feel this way.  She is just a child yet I can't stop feeling angry and threatened by her.  What can I do to stop these terrible feelings.

A. Please know that you are not alone. Merging extended families are always difficult. But you must find a way to get over associating the child with your wife's prior life. You knew your wife had a child when you married her and the fact that she now lives with you can be a positive thing. NO doubt your wife is thrilled to have her, so your resentment can no doubt cause animosity under each confrontation or disagreement you may have.

Try to meet the child from a level of acceptance rather than resentment. They say if you pretend something long enough, it becomes reality, so if you act in a loving way toward the child, no doubt the child will respond.

However, if you say you cannot stand the child because she is spoiled and your wife lacks discipline boundaries, that is another problem altogether. If you disagree on how to raise this child, no doubt you will disagree on how to raise your expected baby. Also, it sounds like the child just came to live with you and yes, you may be feeling resentful in sharing your wives' affection. That is not unusual whether the child is yours or not, but please for everyone's' sake try to overcome the feelings. Give your wife some space to get familiar with daily parenting and perhaps you can speak to her on the issues you see as a problem. I assume you had your wife all to yourself
prior to the child coming to live at home, so please be grown up and patient. Your wife is with you so obviously love you too.

Ironically, your wife may harbor some resentment for the child as a representation of her past, but she too cannot say it openly. That is not a good attitude for either parent or the child.

All children can be approached; the matter is finding the right manner and being sincere. Try fun stuff to distract her if she gets annoying. Once the new baby arrives, the newborn will demand much attention anyway. As for buying new items which is certainly allowable, assuming you can afford it. You may need to discuss with your wife, do it in a healthy manner. You may be pleasantly surprised at the answers. In the meantime, remember, the children have nothing to do with parental breakups, please go easy on the child as her little world has been disrupted several times already. Rise above your insecurities, love begets more love-especially with children.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Behavior 11/07/06
Q. My son is 14 years old - he will be 15 in a couple of months.  He receives honor grades in school and is involved with football and basketball.  He does not do drugs and is not sexually active.  The problems is:  When I went to put clothes away in his dresser, I found my black nightie and my satin night shirt together with several pairs of girls underwear (not mine) in his drawer.  I took my nighties out and my husband
threw the underwear away.  We have not discussed this with him yet and I'm not exactly sure how to discuss it with him.  I do not want to accuse him of anything or gang up on him - but I do need to confront him on this issue. Please advise how I should go about this. 

A. Finding such garments in your son's drawer brings forth many thoughts indeed. First, know that all teens experiment with opposite sex on some level, whether it is fantasy or real, that is quite normal. It is good that you did not act on your thoughts when you first found the items. Many scenarios could be at hand ranging from harmless to serious.

First, he may simply have had an initiation from the football team to collect girls' panties; he may actually have more attraction or involvement in sexuality than you believe (no parent ever thinks their child is sexually active, yet 70% of kids in school are, many starting in middle school). And last and most serious, he has a fixation with women's clothing.

One things for sure, no matter what, you want to handle this in a balanced manner as your reaction can mar him for future male/female interactions. You may be surprised at his answer. You should be able to speak openly with yioru son, but I would advise either you or your husband do it, so he does not feel ganged up on by two parents. Also, it appears all kids will open up more when just before sleep. Be casual and hang out in his room, you may be surprised what can come out of a relaxed teen. What ever his answers are, reassure him that you love him but may not approve of certain behaviors. If he is sexually active, you certainly want to monitor or advise his actions to the most any parent can, given STD rates amongst teens. If your son is
physically mature, a foot ball hero and an honor student, no doubt females will approach him; Best to be open and non-judgmental when he speaks or he will never entrust you again, this is a lesson in letting go a bit as your son tries to find his own identity. It is always scary for parents, but just think how blessed you are to be part of his final development years.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Custody 11/07/06
Q. My ex-wife refuses to give me a contact number for there after school care provider. we have a joint legal custody arrangement. but I live out of province. my ex gives me very little information about there well being. so my only objective information comes from the school.

A. Since you have joint custody, I assume both of your are relatively healthy parents. But often, the primary residential parent assumes to be the most important one in the child's life, which of course, is nonsense as kids need both parents. By legal terms, you have a right to be named on the school emergency card and yes, obtain any school records you wish. You have a right to caretaker information, as your ex-wife will have the same right when you have your child in custody too, assuming you do not harass or obsessively call.  You also have aright to know her pediatrician and get reports there as well if you should call the doctor's office.

The fact that your wife does not cooperate poses questions as to who pays for aftercare, and if you do, you certainly have a right to know who it is. If she persists in denying you this, or phone calls, or non custodial visitations, then you may have to seek help from an attorney. I applaud your willingness to be part of your child's life as many father's are not interested at all.  Following separation, both parents fear lose of their child's love, which is not possible if you stay visible.

Not sure if this helps, but communicate via email when you try to find the source, and keep all records in the event that you later get blamed for not trying. Meanwhile the real person you need to assure is your child, let him or her know how much you love him or her no matter what. Also, check the laws in the child's province, they may differ somewhat but can easily be obtained on the Internet from most communities. 
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Behavior 11/07/06
Q. My oldest son turned 5 years old in July and started kindergarten in August.  He attends a public school with more structure than his pre-school and we're having problems with his behavior at school.  If he misbehaves and receives a "warning" or has to pull a behavior "stick" he has a complete meltdown and throws tantrums or cries and screams at the top of his lungs.  He often acts "silly" in the class or won't pay attention or participate which again results in a warning or behavior stick.  He's only been in the class since 8/7/06 and we've had 3 parent / school conferences
about his behavior.  He's a very bright little boy, but we're at our wits end with his disruptive behavior.  It's getting to be a daily occurence. We've tried to sports thinking that would help build his confidence, concentration,etc, but we've noticed that he's not a "good sport" at times. Any suggestions?

A. Many questions come to mind. First, it sounds like your son is an only child so he may not have had much opportunity to share. The prior teacher may have been more lenient. I am not sure what the behavior stick is, as corporal punishment is not recommended in most schools, I hope 'the stick' is not what it sounds like. That would scare anyone.

 As for your son's disruptions, have you observed the teacher, or the class progress at hand? Have you observed your son's unruliness at home or in the neighborhood? While hyperactivity does show up as school gets more structured, I do not hear any complaints from the prior school, so it poses a question if this is the right classroom for him. Please look deeper and more objectively at all aspects of the problem. Also, be sure he gets sufficient sleep and meals prior to school, as this would exacerbate the problem if he does not have sufficient rest.

Please ask for the behavior specialist at school to provide objective observations of the matter before they label your son as the disruptive one.

Monitor his actions in all settings. If you feel uncomfortable in the school confrontations, call the local central office and ask for a child advocate who knows more about school expectations.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Behavior 11/07/06
Q. My husband I have a wonderful, loving relationship with each other.  We have a 9 year old son who is a wonderful kid as well. We often show signs of affection in front of our son (light kissing and hugging). Our son is always saying how "gross" it is, which we always just laughed about, but just recently he started crying telling us to quit. It caught us off guard and makes me concerned.  What do you think His problem is?  I quizzed him about his feelings, but he just said he didn't know why he was upset.  Why do you think this would upset him so bad?

A. He may not be comfortable with seeing you together; he may also get frustrated as he cannot process the information. It is not funny or cute to him, so why do it in front of him. The hugging may be more than simple hugs, otherwise he could join in with a loving hug, so please let him alone with it. Many kids are uncomfortable to even think their parents do anything sexual, so why stir him up. At age 9, kids start teasing at school, kids often jump to far out conclusions, so unless you can talk to him and he feels safe in telling you his thoughts, you may never know why it upsets
him, but it should be sufficient to know that it does upset him and he should not be placed in that position.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Behavior 11/07/06
Q. My 1 year old daughter is on a screaming kick.  She screams when she is upset, happy, or just bored.  I hate it because it is such a high pitch and nobody wants to be around her when she does this.  I want to nip this in the bud if I can.  Should I spank her or pat her mouth when she does this.

A. I do not advocate ever spanking on the mouth or otherwise as it only teaches kids to do the same. She is just learning the power of her voice, and yes, it is annoying as heck but she will pass this phase. You can bring her voice down quicker if you whisper than if you hit her. Also, you might record the screams and then play it back of her, give her time out and simply ignore it. She obviously gets your attention when she screams, even if it is negative attention, your reaction is a rein forcer. Rather take away her favorite toy, give her time out or deprive her of her favorite TV program.
There is also power in whispers.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Behavior 11/07/06
Q. I have a 5 year old daughter who has just started kindergarten. She has started to throw temper tantrums when she doesn't get her way - pulling her own hair, banging her head against the wall or floor (or anything else that's close to her), and yelling that she hates herself. This is very unlike her, we thought tantrums were long gone!  We're really struggling trying to figure out why she has started doing this.  The only
thing we can think of is that she's still trying to get used to her schedule change since school started.  When we ask her why she's doing it, we either get "I'm just tired" or "I'm mad."  Sometimes she says, "I just want to go to sleep and never wake up".  These comments are really unnerving and it's scary because we don't know where it's coming from.  Her teacher hasn't mentioned anything to us about this happening at school - but I haven't asked, either.  Any suggestions on how to handle this?  We'll try anything!

A. Your daughter may be suffering in school with the work and cannot verbalize it. Someone may have criticized her and she only acts out in frustration. No doubt is she did act out in school, you would hear about it. Sounds like she saves up her frustration for home. Try to ask her what happens in school, seek out her feelings, help her along by being patient and encouraging. Most kids do not change behavior that quick without a reason, so search for the reason with patience and a soft voice.

I am concerned when any child says they just want to sleep and never wake up, so please talk to her and find the underlying cause of this. Ask if anyone hurt her or her feelings. It could be as simple as not coloring in the lines like her classmates, especially if she has high standards for herself and observes classmates excel. Perhaps you can observe in the classroom on parent day or other times if the school allows it. Also, ask the teacher how she is adjusting, that is allowed before a parent
conference.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Behavior 11/07/06