The Family Coach

A monthly column written by local coaches with Family Directions in Tampa as a community service.  Their coaching services are available to local families by calling their office.

Bullying at School

The beginning of a new school year is often full of anticipation and excitement, with a little dose of nervousness thrown in.  That is precisely how 11 year-old James felt as he prepared to return to school as a fifth grader.  Like a lot of kids, James had a busy, active summer and was looking forward to seeing all of his friends, meeting his new teachers and getting the new school year started. 

At first, James seemed to be enjoying being one of the “big kids” at his elementary school and was thrilled to be back with all his buddies.  But as the weeks wore on, Mom and Dad began to notice a change in their normally out going, sunny child – the boy who could not wait for school to begin was now complaining of stomach aches each morning and asking if he could stay home from school.  The once talkative child full of stories about his day was now quiet and withdrawn.  Their usually easy going 11 year old was often grumpy and difficult to talk to.  When they would ask him if everything was alright, they were lucky if they got, “yeah.”  At first, James’ parents thought they were simply dealing with a boy approaching the teen years and joked about how they wanted a bit more time before dealing with teenage emotions.  But as the days wore on it was clear that what was happening with James was no laughing matter.  James was being bullied.

Today, it is sometimes difficult for parents to know if their child’s behavior is “normal” or if there is something going on that requires concern.  Kids are growing up faster and have more access to information, and each other, than earlier generations.  Sorting through all of that can be exhausting to a young person.  So now, more than ever, parents need to be aware of the things going on in their kid’s lives, while at the same time “giving them their space” and “being cool.” It begs the age old question, “What is a parent to do?”

Keeping the lines of communication open with your child is a good first step.  Letting your child know, from the first day of his life, that he is safe with you and that you are always there for him is the greatest gift you can give – that, even if she doesn’t want to talk about it, you are ready to listen anytime, anywhere.

Ask specific questions.  Is something going on at school?  Are you having trouble in your classes?  You may not get any answers but you may get a wealth of information.
Schedule an appointment with your child’s doctor to rule out any physical causes like illness or vision or hearing changes.

Be sure to communicate with your child’s teacher, discreetly, to see if they have noticed any changes or have any concerns.

If you suspect that your child is being bullied, telling stories about your childhood and giving examples of your trials and tribulations may get your child talking.  Misery loves company and together you may come up with some solutions.  At the very least you will send the message to him that he is not alone and that you do understand.

If she does share with you right away, be sure to be patient and calm.  Much of the power of the bully comes from the threat of repercussion if the victim “tells.” The last thing your child wants is to have you nose to nose with his classmate or his parents.  Ask her if she would like you to go to the school and speak to the teacher with her or if she would like you to request that she be moved to a different class.  Help your child come up with some solutions that he thinks might help and support him in implementing them.  All while keeping a watchful eye.

Remember that your child’s school and his teachers are your allies and are there to help.  Your school’s guidance counselor can offer suggestions and provide valuable resources and reading materials.

If, despite your best efforts, the warning signs continue or worsen and you begin to notice anger, change in eating or sleeping habits or physical injuries then do not hesitate to step in.  You are your child’s greatest advocate and ally.

Finally, always remember to listen to your gut.  That little internal voice we parents have is usually right on the money.

Written by
Caroline Hatton, LMHC, NCC 
Kelly Jo Terry
Margaret Mela
The Coaches of Family Directions

For more information contact us at:
Family Directions
8019 N. Himes  Avenue
Tampa,  FL   33614
813-915-1600
www.yourfamilydirections.com